I went on forever yesterday...no, early this morning, no, late this morning, about all my wonderful spiritual expereinces. And now I am going to write an entry about the huge gaps of intelligence in my brain instead. Why? I think I am feeling disgustingly cynical. Or something like that.
Anyway, I have this gap in my mind. In that gap, should have been, my sense of direction; discernment of left and right; and my ability to execute...uhm..."mad" button combinations to perform cool hoverboard tricks in There, nifty skateboard tricks in skateboarding video games, and achieve really bad ass battle combinations in Super Smash Brothers Melee. I get my sorry arse kicked when I play that game. With anyone. Because my mind and my fingers just won't act together. That's why I can't play piano. I've tried to play the keyboard, but I can't make my hands do something different. They get confused. Its horribly frustrating. It makes my head hurt to try and do those sort of things. I just...can't. No matter how hard I try...
(If you notice, I also have a gap in the dry wit section of my brain. That's why my writing is all poetry tinged classic prose.)
Anyway, my intelligence gap also limits me from pinpointing what exactly one might call that sort of problem. I am doing research. Sort of. One of these days I'll understand.
But through this gap of intelligence, also slid any musical ability. I have a violin, and I have been told I am very very good, I have wonderful expression, and I can hit all the notes right, but I think in such a cut and dry mechanical way when I play music...I look at the notes on the page and go, "Ok, that note...that means 4 fingers down on the E string, gaps between fingers two and three, and fingers three and four, ok next, 2 fingers on A string, ok next note, 1 finger high on G string (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... you sick minds...)". So maybe that wasn't a song, and I probably way messed up the key by throwing that...was that a g flat in there? Yeah. That's ok. It's just to illustrate my point of how I picture music. I don't look at is as music, I can't, my mind is incapable of that, I rather think of it as a mechanical, rapid succession of finger positions.
If you ask me to tell you which notes are which, or recognize them in a song, I can't. I cannot, for the life of me, recognize which note makes which sound. I don't even remember off the top of my head what each note on the sheet music is. I could find you an F Sharp easy as that (basic, easy note though...ha), but ask me like, what's a B flat, and I will stare at you blankly (Flats are THE DEVIL on violins...evil I tell you...there is absolutely nothing more frustrating than a song in a key with 3 flats...crap, I forgot which that is...urgh, but in any case, I hate playing songs in that key to the ends of the earth...). And there is the strange phenomena that I can't tell when a note is higher or lower than another. Please don't ask me why I can't figure it out. But I can't. I am just really really tone deaf.
And I find it rather tragic that I have been totally bereft of any musical ability. I honestly don't think I could be taught to sing. I just don't understand music. I just don't understand the notes. I feel deprived sometimes. So I go bury myself in some intricate grammar rules. And then I feel better. Sort of. I just feel really...klutzy...ungraceful... awkward...
I keep a picture of myself in my head as a mousey, gawky librarian type in fugly frumpy clothes with dull brown hair in a neat and tidy bun, and these huge really fugly thick framed glasses which I am constantly pushing up my nose, two left feet in thick soled shoes which I am always tripping over, and a huge armful of musty classics and textbooks and notebooks, which I can't quite carry. That's Megan's essence. Deep down, I think that's who Megan really is.