2004-09-22
Looking Through The Future's Lens

hearing: It's Wasting Me Away - The Electric Soft Parade
reading: In The Days of the Comet by H.G. Wells
feeling: pathetic

Good old American Government Research Project. WHEW. I finally actually used the correct terminology! Calling it A PAPER is easier though. And far more ominuous. Its a paper. So spooky.

I've been pretending to work my tail off on it and actually got a decent amount done. Which takes a weight off my shoulders. I find myself hanging and hoping and waiting for October first to roll around, when I can turn the paper in and be done with it.

But only to have another project to work on. And then, there will be another after that. I won't be done until December.

So what, do I spend the next three months waiting, languishing, wishing and hoping for December sixth when my american government class finishes?

How is that living? So many people, too many people spend their lives dreading what they do, dreading projects they must do. Waiting for the finish line. Hopping from due date to due date. Dragging through their lives, wishing every tiresome thing was over, but once it finishes, only to have another awaiting.

Again, how is this living? You have one life and you spend it like that? Waiting for nothing? Waiting for things and relief that will never come?

You can't live like that. Its not living anyway. Only a very poor fashion of it. Every moment must be seized. Even during something dreaded...there must be... something worthwhile drudged up from it. You can't just waste your life...

Well no, I guess you can. You are certainly welcome to. Waste everything. Go ahead. Complain about the rut you put yourself in. Whatever.

But I won't. I perceive something better to be gleaned. I perceive a life to be lived. I don't want to waste it. I know I have been. But I'd like to stop that. As much as possible.

I can't hop from paper due date to paper due date. Dragging my feet and whining and wishing distasteful circumstances would hurry up and move on. I've got to jolt up and seize them by the throat and make them follow me. I'll press my mouth to dead situations and breathe life into them... We've all got to...

Don't I sound enthusiastic and motivating?!?!?!?!

Gah.

I really wish I was that much of a go getter. I'll try, but I'm such a lazy bum.

That paper needs working on now. This is the first paper I've written in four years and I'm positive it must sound very high school freshman. I am going to screw this up majorly. ARGH. I'm going to have to find a second opinion. Anybody feel like proof reading for me? HAHA. Geez. Embarrassing fo shizzle.

Lord save us I'm lapsing into ghetto speak. I need to sleep. Now. Before I start tacking "yo" on the end of every other sentence or spurting "ain't" or something horribly grotesque like that. And I really should stop writing at two in the morning. When nothing comes out right.

before & & after