There are times when I completely lose my head and say a lot of things I probably shouldn't say. A lot of things I regret heartily after I have calmed down and it's too late to retract anything.
And then I'm afraid to check my email to find out if I really sounded as dramatic and stupid as I think I did.
Yes. You should see me. Such a dorkoid. Sitting and staring at emails in my inbox. Just staring.
Like, "*expletive* I REALLY SCREWED UP THIS TIME" and then I bang my head against the wall. And then I tell myself to calm down and just read the email.
And then I flip out further and run away from my computer, and then I come back and charge it as though I would break it. Then I don't, and stare at the email longer. I screw myself up to open it, and then remember what I said, and bang my head against the wall longer. It's just a cycle which never ends until I open the email. I'm probably hilarious to watch...
But it's not terribly funny to go through. I hate that I can't seem to think rationally, until after I've stuck my foot in my mouth. Why is that? Why can't we just go through the stages of irrationality, fade out, and think rationally before we ever open our mouths to speak? I think for days and days and days before I speak. But I never seem to reach the rational level until ten seconds after I've spouted off every bit of irrationality in the worst possible directions. Then I have every epiphany possible and the entire situation generally unfolds before my eyes. It's really weird.
Who else has this problem? Probably everyone in the entire world. I should think so.
I don't know...maybe sometimes, I'm rational the whole time... I just don't know it. Sometimes I guess I am. I thought what I said in a fit of emotion was wrong. And then I found out that it wasn't so bad. Not half so bad. And I actually said decent things after all...
BAH. I have godforsaken schoolwork to do and tests to study for STILL. I don't really study, persay, but it's the only thing I know to call it. If I don't give things a thrice over before tests, and if I don't have notes in order, I WILL mess up my tests big time. Although I will also mess them up if I stress and study too much. Everything in moderation. I keep a Happy Medium. Anyway, I'm also feeling wiped out from sobbing fits and ill sleeping. Time to finish schoolwork and pretend to hit the hay.
Postscript: I was big and brave and opened the email and realized I was much ado-ing about nothing... in many many directions. I have a tendency to do that though. It's the pessimist in me. I am always expecting the worst.