(My disclaimer of sorts)
I am increasingly pained by the ineptitude and incompleteness of words written in a diary to convey my thoughts, feelings, and myself to other people, most especially those who don't know me.
The increasing depth and complexity of my recent thoughts...no, more than thoughts, my reflections...lessons...moral impressions (?...maybe not that...hmm...) ...spiritual experiences (all of that must do), can no more be tied up in a neat package to present to the general public, than a toxic kiss on a warm summer night in the middle of a thunderstorm could be. The things felt, can only be conveyed by rough picture images which spoil the whole experience. Especially when taken in the wrong tone. But my own..."spiritual experiences" can hardly even be controlled by imagery.
But even if they could be, what's "worse", is all bearing of these, is on God. The "Christian" God. And what I might have to say, will have any readers whom are non Christian strangers, construing me as a brainwashed idiot.
Oh heaven forbid.
What I have experienced of late, is more informed, intelligent, and true, than what some people ever encounter and acknowledge, than what some "Christians" encounter. But it is not friendly to non-Christians (or most modern "Christians"...especially Sunday "Christians" and Bible thumping fanatics).
And then, once the previous statements in which I have expounded this higher quality of my thoughts has been read, I will be explicated as an idiot with a humongous superiority complex and more pride than is healthy. Basically, as one of those detestable "holier-than-thou" types.
But I am not. I do not believe myself any better or holier than any other creature. I am on the same level as the adulterer, the Panthiest, the prostitute, the common Joe, the athiest, the Buddhist, the bank robber, the fanatic, the homosexual...I am on the same level as all the rest of humanity. The only difference is, I am set apart. NOT BETTER! NOT HIGHER!!! Just, apart... And being set apart doesn't make me better.
I also think that I have stumbled upon certain truths more intelligable, more informed, more reasonable, and closer to truth that what a lot of people will probably think and experience in their lifetime.
I do not expect you to also believe what I say and agree with me. I do demand respect though. Please don't label me or treat me as a brainwashed mechanical simpleton.
I swear and promise that I am not. Just treat me as a rational, informed, intelligent fellow human creature. Not necessarily moreso than you though. I think I might possibly be moreso than some people, but not all people, and I don't ask you to believe that I am more, just that I may be. Please tolerate my views. That means, in essence, to agree to disagree with respect and intelligence. I promise to do the same thing with your views. Always.
But I must implore all of this, I guess not just because of what may or may not come in the next few days in my diary, but what I say and convey all the time. This entry applies to everything I believe.
Please do not lump me in with the religious fanatics. I am so many furlongs away from religion. I am not the religious sort.
I am just tired of Christians being looked down upon as brainwashed imbeciles who never think for themselves. Just as tired of it as I am tired of fanatics judging, tearing, ripping, deprecating, and censuring everyone to hell.
My thought is original, intelligent, and my own. I am not being told what to believe. I am honestly researching and analyzing and agreeing with truths and believing them myself.
So when you see me quote a Bible verse, don't turn away in disgust and decry me for unoriginality. My Jesus is My Life. The Bible is My God's word. It is something I honestly believe to be a sound, intricate, creative work, divinely inspired. And I have solid reasons for believing this.
Respect that. Let me believe that. And trust that I am also an independent, thinking individual. With a brain! I think for myself. I believe what I think is true. Let me have that. Please. Let me speak freely without fear of condemnation...*trails off*
Although Christians are blessed when persecuted...discountenance and deprecation are hardly persecution though. Ha. To my people-pleasing nature it may be simply intolerable. And I hate to be misunderstood and sold short. So I guess that's why I just had to make this plea. I just had to get it off my chest.
I beg for acceptance, something I will probably never gain...doomed to forever be labeled a brainwashed, uninformed half-wit.
Oh well. It doesn't dissuade me. I know what I believe. And I will make people angry and venture to say that, I know what I believe is right. Few will agree. Most will now denounce me as being closeminded.
Know what, I'd give up then. I don't care. I know why I believe what I believe. I have good, solid reasons. I know and have considered the arguments against what I believe and Christianity in general. But I have found them to be pock marked with holes and based on shaky untruths and misconceptions. And no matter what anyone thinks and belives, the truth is always the truth. Some people know, in part, what these truths are (I know, in part...not in full...never in full... I am not claiming to know everything...never...), and others don't know at all. But it doesn't change what is Truth. Whatever it may be, it exits on its own, apart from what anyone, (including me) believe.
That's the end of this then, which quickly became a rant. Hopefully not unintelligable. Love me now, or hate me, that's what I have to say.
I am going to go rejoice in the Light of my life now. In His glory and majesty. Despite what any think of that.
Unashamed...