2004-08-18
Very Clich�, A First Time For Everything. But I Didn't Notice
hearing: Aqua Vera - The Soundtrack of Our Lives
reading: Candide and Other Stories by Voltaire
feeling: w-w-w-wired
I believe that Fate, with all of her cruel twists, is trying to tell me something. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew why I am being thwarted the way I have been.
I suppose I might know...someday... I would kind of like to know now, but the mystery is intriguing I suppose...
Will I be able to say, someday, "If I had attended the fall semester at the community college as I so desperately wanted to, I would never have...[insert something here]"? Will I find that Fate drove me away from my original plans for a reason?
Everything works out for a reason...so what is the reason for this?
I suppose that, all shall be revealed in time...I have only to be patient...
But although everything is working out terribly for this semester, everything looks like it will turn out beautifully when I sign up for next semester.
And that worries me. Nothing can be so perfect. Nothing can work out so wonderfully. What will be my meet in that seeming perfection? What will be the horrible flaw on the face, or in the soul, of that fair woman who represents my future?
Or perhaps, my natural tendency to pessimism is far too great...
I need to borrow someone's optimism and hope for a while. I don't have enough of my own...
Where art thou hopeful dreamer? I know thou callest thyself fool before me for being so optimistic, but I find you not so... Mine purse of hope is empty... have you any to spare me?
I know. I sound idiotic. I shouldn't be asking for anything anyway.
It's very strange, when the most commonplace and ordinary of activities, which one witnesses and accompanies others in all the time, becomes the first time for oneself.
I ride in our car very often.
But today was the first day I drove the blasted thing (I have driven before, just not the car we own right now...until today).
I have ridden in a car in the rain numerous times before.
But today was the first time I have ever driven in the rain (I think).
I have watched my father drive up to the toll booth on the tollway we drive and pay the toll very many times.
But today was the first time I have been the one to drive up, roll my window down, and pay the toll.
I have tasted frappacinos before (the closest I have ever come to coffee) but today was the first time I had one of my own, and not a few sips of someone else's.
I watch my father write checks all the time, I watch him use his debit card often.
But today was the first day I have had a checkbook and a checking account all of my own.
I have fingered and used car keys many many times before.
But today was the first day I had a car key of my very own.
It seems rather silly to be speaking all of this. To be admitting these were my first times. But...there has to be a first time for everything.
And today's firsts, all hinged on my first steps into adult hood.
I'm going to be eighteen in November.
Still rather young, but no longer a child.
A day of firsts. A day of strong whiffs of independance forthcoming.
Was it overwhelming? No. Why? Because I wasn't myself today. I spent the entire day, in a haze. Twas all one long out of body experience. I don't know who was talking today, I don't know who was acting, I don't know who was driving, I don't know who was signing.
Because I was hunched in the corner of limbo, crying.