2004-09-09
Hanging Onto Dental Floss

hearing: nothing although I have some Radiohead song stuck in my head...I can't think of the name of the song though...argh...
reading: A Wrinkle In Time by Madeline L'Engle
feeling: heartbroken

Laying on the floor with the window wide open, so cold that violent spasms wrack my small, ill clad frame. Curled up in a ball, clutching my teddy bear closer than death, and bawling as I never have before in my life.

I have known extremeties of pain before this. I have known tangible spasms of malaise which sear to the bone marrow.

But none of it, nothing compares to the pain which accompanies a broken heart. Never have I felt such despair, such utter hopelessness.

It is a living nightmare and I can hardly believe that this is my reality.

Several times, have I reached a point, where, had there been a stake in my room to impale myself upon, or a convenient cliff (perhaps a precipice hanging over the mouth of hell) to toss myself from, close by, I would have ended this misery in an instant. As it was, I have no such weapons of sudden death at my command.

Admittedly, I did search my room frantically once. I stumbled about in the dark, overturning everything, searching for an object, with which I could end this existence immediately. I was not thinking straight, and the poisonous substances in my room did not occur to me, so I ended up with a pair of safety scissors. Which I could do nothing "constructive" with. I couldn't slice myself with them, and I wanted death anyway, not a bunch of cuts. In the end, I found them trying to wander about my hair.

Why my hair? It's a mystery of the heart. Perhaps it was an attempt to change my feelings and existence, by changing the style and cut of my hair. I reminded myself not to mutilate even those outgrowths of my head. Nothing would change if my hair was a wreck. My parents would notice that anyway and ask what was the matter. So I laid aside the scissors, and went back to sobbing.

I did try to make use of my sleeplessness and distract my mind from my heavy sorrows by doing some schoolwork and such things, but to no avail. I cannot concentrate to save my life.

That's close...

I turned to reading. Books.

Then emails again. Formulating a million new answers through the blur of tears.

This is insane. This is just the first day. It will be worse tomorrow, and even worse the next. Isn't there a saying that goes that way? What am I going to do? With Cyrik gone, and Mary...well Mary's a mess herself I think, and then he is...well... he only makes me cry of course.

I need someone to phone though.

No one.

Loneliness.

This is absurd. One problem flows into another.

At least I have a cord of dental floss to hang onto in the midst of this pitch black.

Heh.

A cord of dental floss which appears to be stronger than steel... God is saving me slowly...even though I don't want to be saved, I acquiescenced. I'm letting Him rescue me and plant hope in my heart.

before & & after