2004-06-18
A Poetry Vein Burst
hearing: the harsh, loud typing of my fingers on the keyboard
reading: Middlemarch by George Eliot, Sonnets by Shakespeare
wearing: pjs, and very swollen bleary eyes
I had a poetry vein burst today. Late-ish at night. My feelings began to gush out of me uncontrollably, and words spilled out all over the pages of my notebook in the form of poetry. And I couldn�t help a word of it from coming out. There was no staunching the wound. So then here it comes. All of it. Every single word. Entirely intact from original form because I am too tired to edit. And I realize that honestly, a few of these lines really make no sense. Lines that really don�t fit in with the subject matter and the situations they portray. And some of the lines are a bit messy and...uhm...not quite what I wanted. But I guess I will be ready with explanation when necessary...
Well, I don�t care.
Poem One
I know this feeling
I�ve felt it before
So many times returning
From lack of confidence and paranoia
And each time it comes
It descends like a fog of uncertainty
But this time it is thicker and blacker than ever
And I have lost sight of you
I cannot feel your presence
I reach forward through the midst
All I find is broken rubble
I grope out backwards
To find lingering scents and broken shards
Of confiding words and elated tremblings of emotion
Together it mixes a bitter draught
Which poisons me
And leaves my gleaming, hungry arms
Consumed by starvation.
And when I call out, the echo thrown back is so far away
That fear thrills through my breast
And my heart drops into my feet
And my soul rends itself in two
For the wind is stirring
To blow you away
And bear you to the arms of lazy mistresses
Unforgiving and darker than hate
You are slipping away
And the strings that bind us
Have turned into deadly nooses
Shredding me to bits
And dousing none of my flames.
The fire is fueled by the wind
It consumes me
With no hope of cooling draught
By your tender words
Oh please, wherever far that wind blows you from me
Remember what we almost had
Recall the share of gentle, unselfish innocence
Think of my sparkling eyes and my laughter
Not the bitter tears and the lifeless body you left on the floor
Meditate only on the heaven we wove
And the searing, joyful pains of first love
If you can hear me still, promise me that.
For if I thought I should survive this fever and rending of limbs
That is how I shall think of you
For I love you
Even now, as the fear is slowly sucking the lifeblood from Us
I still love you
And I wish I had the strength left to kill the fear which will sunder us forever.
Farewell O my soul,
Farewell O my joy,
Farewell O my love
Poem Two
Sometimes I wish there were
More objective eyes watching me
Eyes separated leagues from me
With drab mists between us
So that when I lay bare my naked soul
They can only make out the delicate, tragic beauty of my figure.
The lines and scars traced upon my skin
Bleeding fear, selfishness, vice and anger
And the names involuntarily branded and carved into my ivory skin
Would be invisible to them
But I have a few close by.
So close, that they can see nearly every nick.
One is so close, he can reach out and trace my scars if he would
But his touch sears me to the bone at first brush
And causes me to draw away to my pining wishes
But I can see those other try to approach
When I draw away from him so close
And I can see the tears in their eyes
As they marvel at my wounds
Yet the sight of these fully clothed apparitions chase me further
I feel like a frightened child in the icy hands of an uncaring doctor
I am not a helpless patient in need of a cure
I am more like a lover in need of an equal.
Will not one of you get down on your knees as I have?
And strip off your pretense, pride and charm
To lay bare your own nakedness
And the oozing wounds of you own blemished skin?
Shame you may feel, but imagine my own in being the only person naked in a room full of clothed!
Yes, the cold winds will bite your flesh
And the sun will burn your skin at first
But we could keep each other warm
We will tan our skin in resistance of the sun together
And yes, the first touches of the naked skin of our natures against each other will burn painfully
But the joy and relief which will come after is so much more than enough
To make the pain worth enduring.
So please, swallow the pride choking you
Snap the fear threatening to break your legs
The grips are tightening and air is running short
You will die to me soon and there can be no resurrection
Don�t sentence yourself to such a quick end
Don�t leave me naked and shivering.
Save us both
Through a painful burst of courage.
Let me take you in my arms and we will sob this sorrow away together�
Poem Three
You are not gone
You are not leaving
You do not wish to
So you say
But the way in which you continue
Is buying you a one way ticket worlds away from me
Is laying bricks to a wall between us
Is piling clothes to swathe your form
It makes me afraid
Which makes me angry and spiteful
Every now and again
So I toss a few bricks on the wall
To hasten your departure
Which stirs up fear and regret
But I can�t take the bricks back
Can you please stop stacking bricks?
Can we please break down this wall?
Can you please tear up that ticket?
Can you please shed all those clothes?
Please O Please don�t leave me�
Because even if you don�t want to,
You are�
Poem Four
My arms bend under the burden
They break under those high heavy walls
For I am the only foundation to hold them
How shall I build a foundation?
What shall prop up my walls whilst I build?
I fear my arms shall snap under the weight soon
And then the walls will fall
And Kill Me
Poem Five
What am I saying?
Why do I condemn?
Telling him that he is locked behind bars of fear
Which he could break if he tried hard enough�
You, you also my dear are imprisoned by fear.
You could make valiant, successful efforts to break down his wall and help free him
If you would only step forward!
In fact, he almost can�t break free
Without some aid from you, can he?
HYPOCRITE!
FEARFUL HYPOCRITE!
Take the plank from your own eye, and practice what you preach
Before you pick at others!
No more then.
At the least, all is out on the table.
Poem Six
If I have said anything wrong, too strong, or amiss,
If I have betrayed any feelings wrong, too strong, or amiss
I lay a gun before you now
I want you to shoot me
To kill me
To leave me
Despite all else I have said
Because if I am in too deep, deeper than you,
If you cannot return and agree
With my feelings and all I say
Then I cannot bear the pain.
The pain of standing by someone who believes they don�t need me like I need them.
I cannot stand living, knowing that I feel far too much for you than I should.
It is too shameful.
I would be as good as dead anyway
I just want to have it definite.
So here is the gun.
My eyes are shut tight
My arms are spread out.
Ready for the fatal bullet
If that shall be my fate.