I got my third, objective opinion in this situation last night (one where the source of opinion knows both sides of the story rather clearly) and she delivered along with it, the reprimand I needed and desired.
Why is it, that no one will reprimand me? Some rare times I will get reprimands from others, but they seem to be quicker to comfort and soothe, and lay all blame on themselves and others. The one time I was reprimanded lately was withdrawn quickly when fear permeated. The reprimands were replaced with soothing words and comforts and despondencies to draw me back instead. Which had rather an adverse effect on me. If the person reprimanding had held firm in their reprimands of themself, and me, if they had resisted fear and stood upon a tough love and harsh but gentle truths and justice, I (and I think I can say this with perfect confidence) would have come out of this situation quicker, more sensibly, and been further benefited positively than I think I was by the course events ended up running.
But I can't completely blame him for withdrawing his reprimands so quickly. If I had jumped forward sooner and admitted the truth of his words as I was going to, he would not have slipped into fear and paranoia and withdrawn them. But I, being the conniving wench I am, had this slight urge to drag him through much torture and suspense to throw light on how much he needed me and coax him to admit this to me. There is a certain passage from Middlemarch which I feel fits this concept perfectly, and which I find extremely true.
...she had the ardent woman's need to rule beneficently by making the joy of another soul
It is the very truth. As is evident in my case. I wished to know I held this strong command of his affections and comprised much that was good and beautiful to him. I wished to be a retreating, unattainable, longed for queen, or angel.
This is completely and entirely off the subject though. Returning to that of blame and my desire for reprimands.
There are two extremes a person can take in distributing blame. Giving all blame to the other person (wrongly) and taking none for themself, or taking all blame for themself (wrongly) and giving none to the other person. I am frequently caught up in the latter situation, being the object denied the luxury of any blame. I do recognize my own blame in a situation, but it becomes increasingly difficult for me to believe that the blame I place upon myself is founded, and is rather the product of a disgusting lack of self confidence. I continue to take blame, but it almost becomes simply an act of false, prideful, martyr-istic humbleness in which I put myself down farther to be exalted in the eyes of others. I see the trouble, and I desperately wish to be backed up in my belief of my own fault.
But no one will offer this support. Except for her. She points out my own fault in the situation and reprimands me for my wrongs, and then, I am truely humbled. I see my wrongs in the correct light, in their true light, for she represents things with large doses of unforgiving tough love. I only wish that she was not the only one to distribute this.
I can only be thankful that I have good degrees of sense and strength on my own, and can still judge, in small bits, the true light of my own fault. Had I been a weaker person, all the indulgence of my supposed blameless qualities and insistence of not allowing me any blame, might have caused me to be quite a prideful, blind creature by now. I should be mincing around letting all others recieve all blame unto themselves and believing it was truely right. I think that happens with many people. But it shall not happen here.
We must stop being so busy taking responsibility for our own actions that we neglect to acknowledge the responsibility of the other. To neglect such, is an ugly, false pride.
But the subject of blame gives way to a looming fear of mine.
I am not sure whether the proper blame has been laid upon me but unspoken to me, or if it has gone completely unseen and I really have been been blameless to their mind all along.
If the former is true, I have no fear or concern. But, isn't the latter still possible? Has, for the most part, my responsibility in contributing to trouble been completely overlooked? If so, then has the blindness to my faults and bandaging of my imperfections caused a love founded upon contrivances and visionary glimpses of a figure seen through dark blindness? Is there a blindess to be cured which will expose me for who I am and cause him to see that his love has been for a contrived lie?
I can only tremble and fear. As reflection goes farther, that latter seems extremely unlikely, but I cannot entirely banish the thought. To have only been loved as a false vision all along, would be devastating. How should I handle that? Everything I have believed up until now, a lie. An unintended lie. Is this my fate? Am I only an unworthy, emotional, conniving, wench of a ridiculous teenage girl? Where does the fault end, and the fearsome lack of self confidence and unnecessary self abuse begin?