2004-08-16
There Was Angst, And There Are Rants
hearing: Jerkweed Inspector - Macrosick
reading: Candide and Other Stories by Voltaire
feeling: tired and frustrated
I know that I've sounded really angsty lately, but, in defense of myself, I can say...
ok, I was going to say that it's not angst, but the truth is, it probably is angst.
But I am still not without excuse and defense!
I could pull up a few reasons, but I am going to leave those to that extensive diary entry I wrote myself earlier today. In my composition book. I skimmed through my composition books, and ended up crying.
Yes, I am crying at the words I utter now. Yes, all that work unseen by any eyes of mine...the most heart wrenching of them all... Augh. I'm such a dork.
I do have other reasons though. Such as boredom, and exhaustion. If anyone knows me well enough, they will know that either one or the other will produce some extremely, errr, interesting results in me. Lots of incoherent nonsense which tries to pass itself off as art/poetic prose. But of course it falls flat on its face, because it's the product of sheer boredom. Or exhaustion.
The strange limbo between wakefulness and sleep, is a near insanity. A static technicolor of things absorbed, things thought, and things hardly noticed. It produces very peculiar arrangements of words and actions.
But together, sheer boredom, and sheer fatigue, well, its an explosion of nonsense. And not good nonsense either. Bad nonsense. Very bad.
So I find myself stuck in that state and it's just... I'm too out of it to really notice anything. My thoughts become too kaleidoscopic. Even now...
So, a good mood is hard to come by. I can't get a grasp on anything, much less a good mood. I can feign it, but I can't feel it.
Lately, there seems to be a theme going around, of being terribly unworthy/undeserving (several people...if anyone takes this personally, I will shoot to kill [/poor irony]).
No one thinks they are worthy of anything anymore. No one thinks they deserve anything good.
And...they almost talk as if they are the only people afflicted with this plague of unworth and undeserving.
I'm tired of it (and sometimes, I start to get into this rut myself). Because no one does anything. They just run around deploring it and crying.
The truth is, do any of us really and truly deserve the good and the beautiful people and things awarded us? Are any of us worthy?
No. Most of us really are not. Especially on our own.
By the general population's reasoning, the next logical step, is to sit around on our unworthy asses and bemoan our undeserving selves and push away everything good and lovely offered ourselves.
And we all know that that is going to solve all our problems. That is going to make everything right.
[/sarcasm]
If we are all so unworthy and undeserving, is it really going to help if we just laze around and lament about it? Of course not! It's time to get up, and start improving ourselves. Don't shove away that which you don't deserve, work on deserving it. Work on being worthy of it. Refit your attitude, and you can get there.
But no one has the right attitude anymore it seems. It's all self pity and no action. And I don't disclude myself. I work on being better, and I work on at least having the right attitude (it actually does help, even though I won't follow my attitude through and take action). Can't we all be a little more proactive?
If a person hates themself, can't they please learn to change themself into something they would like? Why can't we do these things? Hm?
Someday, I'll have to launch off onto blaming this on society. Well at least, putting partial blame. I never believe in letting an outside force taking full responsibility for people's problems. I think a person can usually always take some degree of blame for their problems.
Just because the world is crashing down around you, doesn't mean you have to go down with it. Never. Just because everyone else is riding the current, doesn't mean you can't swim upstream.
Vast amounts of naivety and ignorance usually excuse a lot of blame though. Ugh. Ignorance.
I won't start in on ignorance though. It's excusable. Unless the ignorance is intentional.
And that...that's just unbearable. Those people need some sense stabbed into them.
Actually, my purposeful ignorance regarding politics probably demands stabbing too.
DARN.
Always a hypocrite.
Something I read today, which stood out to me (among a lot more I noticed which is actually unconnected):
We adore each other, and yet we dare not love. Each of us burns with a flame yet this flame we repudiate.Zadig - Voltaire.