I am so in love with this song. I am so in love with it. I posted the lyrics under my theme song section because I can identify so well. Its my song. Its such a soft, pretty song. (I downloaded it at pure volume. Dangerous business sneaking around that site. All those little emo/screamo bands. I hate screamo music. I will not diss the bands or the genre, but I must say that I cannot stand the music. I, myself, hate the screamo genre. I just cannot stand it. At all. So I was in and out of that website...)
I think this part hit me hardest, I identify best right here. This is precisely and exactly how I had been feeling. Apply as you will.
"No one can know just how she feels, She won't use the phone, she's too tired to pick it up..."
Now, that isn't to say that no one knows how I feel, but rather that I won't tell anyone how I feel. That I haven't been willing to tell anyone exactly how I felt. I admit that I am a lot more masked than I originally thought. I thought I was so open...and then I found that maybe I am not. There is still so much I choose to hide.
But tonight is not the night for any unmaskings.
At the least, I am feeling so much better. I climbed out of the depths of my depression and the spasms of searing pain in my heart have long since ceased.
It was all over a Coke and The Problem Of Pain by C.S. Lewis. I didn't read anything I didn't already know, but he puts it so well, and it clarifies the ideas I already had, but not straightened out. Now they are straightened out. Somewhat. I need to sleep on the ideas. Then I should be fully clear and able to relate.
And sometimes, we need to hear things we already know. I tend to shy away from being told things multiple times and try to ask people not to tell me things over and over, yet I think sometimes, we...I... need it. I need reminders. I forget and lose the importance of certain concepts with time. Familiarity makes me grow used to them and resistant. I get to the point where I can dodge and explain things away easily. What were once reasons, become non reasons. Which is why I was able to get in the pit of depression I was in. I avoided what was once an answer because I had grown numb to it. Having a fresh airing of a new old concept in new words, helped me out tremendously.
The basic concept, as much as I could relate tonight, is God and His love for us. His relationship with us. Love lets us suffer, it helps us grow, kindness does anything possible to keep us from suffering. And...well I really just couldn't describe tonight. My mind isn't on that right now. I am thinking on other matters. Matters I will not disclose.
At least I feel better. And especially in connection with the weather, I feel millions of miles away from the world and earthly concerns. I feel solitary, far from people. Close to God. In a trembling joy. Not in happiness, but almost a calm, beautiful feeling. Mixed with a dreg of...sadness. Yes. My cup is mixed with sadness. Not depression, not despair, but sadness. Calm, compassionate and lovely sadness.
I think I taste bitterness also, but I mixed that in myself. I spoil my draught with this poison, yet I keep pouring more in. Bitterness and self pity...Aye... nothing can ever be perfect. I will always be spoiling things...
Yet still, I don't want to be bothered. I don't want to be stirred. I wish to be left alone. With my face upturned to the sky, holding communion with my Creator. Bonded in love. While everything else just melts away slowly...
And thus is how the beautiful spring weather makes me feel. Thus is how the rain makes me feel. Thus is how the first snowfall makes me feel. Thus...thus... It all comes back to You.