Sitting on the bed,Notebook in hand,
What have you done?
My friend wrote that for me. It is exactly how I feel. Although I take it out of context.
What have I done? What have I done?
All the pressure, everything built, I was too distracted, and I mangled the car.
I have failed. Miserably. Horribly. It was minor enough, very minor, no one was hurt, except our car. Maybe the small post I hit.
There was one casualty in the car though. My pride. My pride was killed. I was so full of pride. And its dead. So I have fallen. I am staring in the mirror I have avoided for so long.
And I have to face myself now. I am imperfect. I have failed. But I can't come to terms with that. I have higher standards for myself. And my driving.
What I have done. I can't believe it. I draw away from discussing it. I just feel like such a failure. I feel so broken. I feel like such a mess. This has so quickly become about more than my driving. It is about who I am. It is about what I do. My mask has finally slapped me back. I tried too hard to hide my sorrow and did things I shouldn't have tried to do in the midst of my darkness. I have only plunged myself further down.
My world has crashed. It has broken. I am trying to put it back together, but my hands are shaking too much. They are covered in blood. The shards are slicing my hands apart. I can't see. My tears are blinding me.
What have I done?
What can I do now?
I am determined not to let this get the better of me. I am determined to learn from this experience. I will not write it off and forget it. Everything happens for a purpose. This did. I won't regret it. I will learn from my mistakes. In driving, in masks, in pride, it all that this involves. I will grow up from this. I will come out of this. I will come out stronger. I will come out on top. I am determined to.
So help me God. Please help me. And He shall. And I shall rise up, and turn the evil for good.
My world is still broken. My hands are still shaking. He will steady them though. He will help me put this all back together. He will show me how to... I can do this...with His help, I can do this...The strength is rising within me.
Keep praying. Keep praying. God is giving me strength through your prayers. I can feel it. I am going to have to fall back down, but I can get back up.