I feel
Like "Drama Queen" should be tattooed, no branded, to my forehead.
Now.
In big huge black letters.
My mood goes from Happy to Folorn in .01 seconds! Like false advertising on a car commercial! My moods can stop and change directions on a dime!
Which isn't really a good, pleasant thing.
I can now imagine the poignant concern on the masked faces of my friends as they question me as to what is wrong.
Do not bother to peer at me and ask. Because I already went through a very thorough questioning with myself, and I got no answers. I sit silent. I haven't the faintest what is wrong. If I can't figure it out, why should I be able to tell you? Its just all that dramatic roller coastering mood swinging. I feel sick and I want to get off, but I don't know if this ride will ever be over.
I feel like shoving cake in someone's face.
Speaking of cake, Jesse and I prayed through our stomachs today. Wow. Don't ask. He was stealing nourishment from me. And I really needed it too. I was starving when we were done. Well I hope he was full. How rude. *winks at him* Really though, it was weird/cool. I didn't quite understand, I still don't, and I am not entirely sure that anything actually happened, but nevertheless, I got some entertainment out of it.
And speaking of Jesse, we had, really, an extremely fascinating conversation today. Up out of the blue, he asks me, "How are the hubby and kids?" That confused me, and I asked him "eh?" He told me to go with it.
So I did. I rolled with it. And we had a conversation from the perspective of married adults (but not to each other) with children. He asked me questions about my husband, my children, and my job (I was, in fact, a stay at home mom, former teacher). I created answers to all these questions. I even had to discuss my relationship with my husband. I had to imagine what it might be like for me to be married with two small children and what kind of strains that would put on a relationship. I think I picked fairly cliche-ish answers to the situation and state of the relationship, but I am, after all, only seventeen and have never been in a relationship to speak of, so what can be expected? I had to make up answers quickly, and with so little time to think, I couldn't truely ponder what it would be like for me. Neither did my husband have any sort of personality to speak of. He had a job (attorney practicing family law...he was almost a physicist) but no name. He was just referred to as "hubby". So I suppose it is hard to work out any relationship difficulties when you don't know the person you are dealing with. Well its hard to have a relationship in the first place if you don't know the other person!
I had two children. A little boy and a little girl. The boy was two and his name was Cor and the girl was five and her name was Celeste. The little girl had just lost her first tooth, and the little boy was sweet as candy and very mischievous. His big blue puppy dog eyes when he got in trouble would melt my heart and I was unable to punish him. Jesse told me not to be so soft, that I had to be tough with him sometimes. Yes, we were discussing parenting techniques. I mean we were pretending to be adults. Why wouldn't we swap parenting techniques?
Will my life actually be like that someday? I highly doubt it. Is that my ideal life? Definitely not. Just quick, easy, normal, predictable answers. Maybe another day I can put some more thought into it and concoct something closer to my ideal life. Something not so mediocre.
It was definitely a fun experience though. Playing let's pretend like that is. Imagining the scenarios and creating them. I delight in doing that. I might go play Town tomorrow. It stimulates my imagination.
And it was a nice break from the rest of the day. I had spent the day cleaning and preparing for a dinner visit from my uncle who lives in SoCal. My grandparents and two of my cousins (both my uncle's sons) were going to accompany him. My aunt (my uncle's and my mother's sister) was also here very briefly, but she didn't stay long. That doesn't surprise me. My uncle and aunt hate each other. They won't have anything to do with each other.
But even without that, there are enough underlying hostilities among my relatives that it was very strenuous for them to be here and for me to endure them. As always, I felt as though I were standing in a room full of gunpowder and everyone was holding a match. There have been minor explosions, but nothing serious. I don't know how long that can be avoided though.
One of those little scuffles surfaces in my mother's and uncle's treatment of their mother, my grandmother. My grandmother was griping about something or other and my mother made a snide, scathing comment about her to my brother, loud enough for my grandmother to hear. She made a sarcastic, scathing reply back about how she was sure they couldn't wait to tear her apart without guilt after she was dead. My mother snickered and smirked a little while my uncle made a loud scathing, sarcastic comment back. Several actually, one including how "Yes, after she was dead, they would rejoice for her Reign of Terror would be over". These were NOT friendly, lovingly sarcastic comments being tossed around. They were all being rude and spiteful. And this is NOT the first instance. My mother has instigated several bashings of my grandmother to her face. It is sick. It is disgusting. It is gross. I admit that my grandmother is pretty screwed up, and I don't like her too much, but she is human too and I feel so bad for her when my mother makes those comments, no matter how much they may seem to be deserved. Because really, no one deserves to be treated the way my mother treats hers. I hate to watch it, but I can't do anything to stop it. I can only observe.
So I was able to slip out during this and return to my computer. I just couldn't handle to watch and listen to another of those exchanges.
I also was forced to endure a lot of family tragedy and gossip. The hot topics lately are my paternal aunt who is dying of cancer and all the cirumstance surrounding that (a major one being that she isn't telling her ex husband that she is dying until someone else tells him after she is long dead), and my mom's cousin who is in a very bad state since her husband comitted suicide and all that that involves.
I am surprised my uncle who is on the lam from the law wasn't mentioned. Of course I can't seem to remember a time in my life when he wasn't in jail or on the lam from the law. So I guess its just old news. His crimes are usually just petty... thefts and such. The law isn't in hot pursuit of him because he has never directly harmed or abused another person. No rapes or homocides or such. They let him run, but keep a loose eye out for him. He contacts my grandparents sometimes, and my mom is urging my grandfather to turn him in next he calls because he keeps borrowing too much money from them.
Aren't families fun? If I actually had any relatives that genuinely cared, I guess I might look at things differently. My grandfather cares, but I am still not very close to him. Beyond that, do any of them really care? No. We all just do our own thing. Go about our own business. Hook up now and then to exchange a bite to eat and some family drama while they comment on how much we have grown and how well behaved we are.
Is it any wonder that getting close to anyone scares me so? With a family that has never cared and is soley about keeping up apperances and sneaking around, how could one expect me to act? Especially telling adults anything. That always shocked me. To think of kids telling their youth pastors things? The thought makes me faint. I could never imagine opening up like that. Actually, I drop my jaw when I hear tell of that because I honestly didn't think that that was what youth pastors were for. I don't know what I must think they are for then. Don't ask me to explain. I just have a very hard time opening up to adults. (But what an irony that is. I laugh. Maybe somewhat bitterly. I am a little strange and contradictory....That rhymed. How spooky.)
I even have a hard time opening up to my peers though. I remember that I really told my best friend very little about what went on with me. One just doesn't open up. One closes it up and hides it away. Its how things are.
Fortunately the visit from my relatives was short and they left immediately after dinner. I was relieved. Very relieved. Company from anyone is bad enough, relatives are worse.
Or at least to my shy anti social nature, its bad.
I think now my mood is brightened. This entry was very theraputic.
Oh yeah, want to see my desktop? No? WELL TOO BAD! MEGAN'S CURRENT DESKTOP (sorry. available upon request only). Yes I have a crappy computer os. Thank you, it serves its purpose though, so I couldn't really care less. Did you know that my parents are Mac haters? Well now you know. Do you know how many useless files and pictures I have cluttering my hard drive (which happens to be 80 gigs and only 9 of which are being used)? Here's a hint: Too many. Do you know how much spare time I have on my hands? Here's a hint: Too much. (I took a picture of my stomach this morning with my camera. What the crap? Exactly. I don't know what I was thinking. I even made myself a brushy display pic for msnmessenger with it. Why? I have no idea. Because I won't ever actually use it. My stomach is too nice for the masses to see. Seriously. Or not. Don't ask for that picture. You can't have it. My hand looked lovely in it also. But I deleted it from the disc and my hard drive. I only have the little display pic now.) Do you know how much space I have on Walagata for these useless files? Here's a hint: Not near enough. Which is why this ended up on Photobucket. Oh yeah, I wasn't sure if you could tell by my desktop and real one skin, but I happen to really like Lord of the Rings. And if you couldn't tell by the programs open, I also happen to like Billy. *winks* Haha yes I made myself a document of your uh...songs...But the document is still called Billy's poetry. I don't know why. Same difference right? Of course.