2004-03-02
Killing The Nightmare, Living The Dream!

hearing: My Obsession - Skillet
reading: Miracles by C.S. Lewis and The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas
wearing: clothing

I stood there in the bathroom. Door locked, lights on, jacket off. Hitting. Hitting and hitting my upper arms, occasionally my legs. Wincing at the pain. Yet savoring it. The pain was something. It counteracted inner pain and frustration. It helps for a split second, but the pain goes away so quickly, and that calls for another blow to be appeased. Over and over.

Then I looked up at the mirror. I stared back at that petite little girl with the blonde hair and the blue eyes hitting herself. I thought about who she was and what had been said of her. I thought about her parents. I thought about what they would think of this. I thought about her siblings. I thought about what they would think of this. And those thoughts made me shudder. I ignored them and looked away from the mirror, but I couldn't hit myself again. I flipped off the lights and turned to walk out. I looked back a moment and caught sight of my razor. I went back in and flipped on the lights. I picked up the razor and thumbed it. Getting a feel for the sharpness of the blades. And I considered. Then I set it back down and walked off.

I thought about who I was again. And then I thought about how I came to be who I was. I thought about how God had made me again. Just a sliver of a moment. I thought about how petty it was for me to be beating myself up just because my life is monotonous right now. I rolled my eyes and became angry with myself, but with those thoughts, hope shone back through. Yes, so maybe life is still monotonous and boring, but really, I was handling it the wrong way. What the hell was I thinking? Last night I was a wreck and will accept it better, but a continuance? Oh please. I have no reason for it besides attracting attention. Oh oh look at the little girl who abuses herself! Feel sorry for her! Heh.

I was going about everything the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. I am not depressed. My life is not that bad. I will not be hitting again. I know it. I promise. Because I have no reason or need to.

Anyway, I think this is somehow connected to my hormones. Meh. It's getting near that hated time and I always go off the wall with emotion. Of any kind. So I blame it on that for being so ridiculously irrational and emotional. I try to control it, I really do, I am working very hard to, but its a tough, uphill battle. I hope to one day, have my reactions and attitudes well controlled enough to keep my emotions in check. One day. My goal.

But thank gosh for the Take Me Away (from Delirious?) music video. That video makes me so happy. Very happy. Oh very very happy. I think I'd be in worse condition if I didn't have that to sit and watch and giggle over. *huge grin* What me? I didn't say a thing...*angel halo*

before & & after