2004-03-02
My Life Is Stuck On Repeat and I Hate The Songs That Are Playing

hearing: Margee Ann - Fernando Ortega
reading: Miracles by C.S. Lewis and The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas
wearing: meh

SAILING MISHAP!!!!!

I do not know how I could have survived today without new Teen Girl Squad, hostess chocolate cupcakes, garlic and butter ritz, Billy, and Mary (WOO ...shameless pluggage for my friendses).

There were sailing mishaps, sugar rushes, arrogance, pretty songs, poetry, and garlic buttery goodness to keep me afloat in an otherwise montonous and boring day. I am going to package up all the thoughts, emotions, and tastes of today's bright spots into a little box for me to pull out and play with when the days are this bad. My little anti boredom life saving kit. Then when I have days like today I can pull out my box and play with my bright spots.

Really though, where would it get me? How long before I tired of the contents of my box? I tire of things so easily. I am hard to entertain, and hard to please.

Digging through it all though, I think I can pinpoint the issue. All this boredom is being generated by a ravenous appetite to create. I am not quite sure what I want to create. Something beautiful, something poetic, something...anything. A new doll? A new story? A new poem? What other ways have I to express myself creatively? I need something. I feel a desperate need to create something. Not just anything. Something in particular to appease my appetite and bring me back to a land of busyness and productivity. I just haven't decided what yet.

Beyond that though, I am feeling caged. I am not even sure how much a change of scenery would do for me. Could it really all be wiped away by a new place? By a visit to the much beloved and missed ocean? Would that stir me out of this madness of monotony? I actually don't think so. Its deeper than that. Its different. I am not quite sure what it is.I just know I am feeling a cabin fever. Life is tiring. Its all the same. My mind is lost again. Its the same as before. I am always tired. I am always struggling for conversation. The same thing. Even my dreams. Different dreams, but all ending just before I wake up. thus I can't remember them. What was there to remember anyway? Over and over. I am tired of the same ruts. I am tired of it all. I feel like my life is stuck on repeat and the songs that keep playing are the most dreadful and hated ones. Those of mediocrity...that theme runs through them all. Its torture. I am on my knees with my hands over my ears screaming. Screaming for salvation from the ever recurring themes. I hate them. I am sick of sleep even. I am tired of it. I need a break from it. I need to do something different. Something new. Something creative. Spontaneous. Big. I don't know what.

I just know that madness and insanity loom over my head. I have never actually, literally run into walls before, but tonight might be my first time. I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't know what else to do with anything. I don't know how to shake it. I don't know how to recover. I feel so suffocated. So starved. So entrapped. I want out. Out out out out out.

But there is nothing. Nothing. No mind. Nothing. Mediocrity. Boredom. The same themes. Over and over.

I guess I am going to go watch my hit counter now until I am too tired to stay awake anymore.

before & & after