A transcription from my offline journal. This was written at 12:39p.m.
"I am writing this, here, now, to move into my online diary later. Why? Because Grandfather is here"(my parents left for California this morning and he is over to help me out.)"and he is using the computer next mine. So he can easily see everything I doand has no qualms about rudely watching and reading all I am doing on the computer. I hate it. I hate being watched. Thus I can't use my computer." (Right now he is eating lunch)
"Anyway, today is boring. I am bored. Almost mad with boredom, and its ONLY 12:39. Awh man am I in trouble. If I am this bored already? Argh. When one looks at my to do lists...so long and there are three of them...to do,writing, and reading, one wonders how I could possibly be bored. I have so much to do! Well really, everything on that list BORES me. I don't even want to read. A friend suggested that that might have something to do with preferring to create, but I don't know if I am particularly drawn to write anything today.
"All truth be told, what I really want to do is think, then write out my thoughts. As I am doing now. I just want to lay around my room and think. Think. Think about everything. About this and that and up and down and all around. Just think. Perhaps with musical accompaniment. That sounds magnificent.
"Yet I always feel like honestly doing nothing all day but thinking, and thinking rather heavy thoughts at that, is very unproductive. Is it? Is it really ok for me to just lay and think all day? I need someone to tell me. Get me pushed one way or the other.
"You know, I also think this has to do with my exhaustation. I fall asleep as I write this. I really would like to sleep. But I don't think I should. I might though. Sleep a few hours now...hmmm...."
And thus it ended. I did end up thinking to musical accompaniment. I pulled my chair closer to my bookshelf, and pulled and shifter things and my stereo around so that my headphone cord would comfortably extend from my stereo to the headphones in my ears. I loaded up my cd player with the cds I wanted to listen to and then just sat. Blankly staring and thinking. With my headphones on. But I was creating fantasies and NOT pondering like I had wanted to. So now I feel horribly unproductive. I just don't know what to do with myself. I just don't know what to do.
All I could think to do was eat. Surprise surprise. So I grabbed 1/3 a roll of Garlic and Butter ritz crakers and went at it. Ate the whole 1/3 of the roll. Of course I am still terribly hungry. That isn't terribly filling, but it was delicious. I love snack crackers and Garlic and Butter Ritz are very delicious <3
Now take this. Word for the day
it is getting stuck in the Megan...defined page.I can talk about the significance later. Maybe