I could have a random outburst of fangirl craziness and glomp all around the room about how enthused I am that Lord Of The Rings Return Of The King won ALL ELEVEN Oscars that it was nominated for. But I might be nice and obliging and won't. I mean really, everyone who actually cares, knows by now. So why go on?
Because I am an obsessive little fangirl when it comes to LOTR. Not really because of the movies though. it goes deeper than that.
I am generally not the fangirl type. I just cannot get near that excited about actors, actresses, sports figures, musicians, or any other celebrity figure people generally obsess over. I am just not that kind of girl. Sure I can get myself worked up to having favorite bands, but I could never get myself really excited about them. I could hardly call myself a fan because I am so indifferent about them. I love music, don't get me wrong, I just can't seem to get a handle on ever being a true fan of a band. We won't even touch the other categories because I find most movies today terribly uncreative, stupid, and boring so I never see enough to form an opinion about actors and actresses. I really don't like sports. I LOVE tennis though...hehe...but I don't love it or watch it enough to have favorite tennis players, and if I did, I just wouldn't be their fan.
And then we run into authors. And there is my weakness. Writing and books are a very important thing in my life. And oh the horror, but they are far more important to me than...say...music. If you gave me a choice of getting the cd I covet so much, Collide from Skillet, or Middlemarch by George Eliot, I wouldn't even have to think a full second. My hands would be all over Middlemarch. Without hesitation. I think this is because I am a writer. I appreciate the art of writing and books far more than I ever could appreciate music because I am not really musically inclined. I just have very little inherent musical talent, if any at all. Whereas I am a born writer. So there...bwah ha. Thus being, I develop writing "heros". I develop little fangirl obsessions over my favorite authors. Not because I feel like I must, it just...happens...
Thus while most girls plaster posters of "hot" actors and musicians all over their walls, I would be more inclined to be plastering posters of Tolkien, Lewis, Macdonald, Wilde, L'Engle, Jane Austen, Emily Bront�, and possibly Alexandre Dumas (he scares me a tad though). Upon meeting any of these, I would be hard pressed to not go into giggling, screaming fan girl mode. Yelling and jumping up and down and screaming "SIGN MY BOOK SIGN MY BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!". Ah yes. But I have so much respect for those authors that I think I would have just enough self restraint to keep from disgracing myself so atrociously before my writing heros. We all know though, that deep down inside, I would be giddy with glee. The sad thing is though, the only person on my list who isn't dead, is Madeline L'Engle (at least I *think* she isn't dead...). Thus I can't really harbor any hopes of meeting any of them. Which is a shame because I must say that I would die myself just to meet Oscar Wilde. His wit was spectacular. Yeats praised his...ehhh... improptu eloquence and wit. In conversations, Wilde could blow people out of the water with a turn of his tongue. How cool would it be to meet a man like that? *sigh* Very...but I must settle for reading his books.
So what this leads to, is I am definitely in awe of Tolkien's genius. The fantastic world he wove, his beautiful use of prose and poetry to set it out, the complex and real languages he created, the unique creativity of the whole thing, just puts me in awe. A master of the genre. Definitely. Although one can't fully appreciate him by simply reading The Silmarillion, The Hobbit and LOTR...no, one must delve into the History of Middle Earth Series and The Unfinished Tales to realize the depth of his talent. Although most of it was unfinished, what he did was spectacular. I admire and respect his genius very much. Seeing his work turned into a movie which was actually very well done, is such a treat. To see the characters come to life on screen. Do we see how this leads up? The ultimate obsessive geek's dream is to see the work they have loved and been putting forth to other people so long, recognized for the work of genius they always knew it was. Duh. My fangirl obsessiveness is my geek dream. I love the work and here it is, although a movie, it might interest people to read the book. Love fest please.
So I need to go screaming and running around my room in excitement.
*does so and then returns*
Alright. All done being a fangirl for tonight. I think. I hope.
I have been considering some potential issues. Not issues that are potential, but issues about potential. Now really, for as long as I can remember, I seem to have been the sort of girl that everyone gets blown away by. I am not unfamiliar with comments like "You are so different from anyone I have ever met before", "You have so much potential", (and then of course the most hated) "I can't believe you are as young as you are" (yeah basically the age comments, I can easily get over it sometimes, with some I will give grace, but most of the time age comments infuriate me, I will discuss later). And I mean this has been going on for so very very long. Always from adults though. Teachers, friends' parents, adult relatives...the like. Never from others my age though.
So one should think that with so many comments on my supposed "greatness" I would struggle, rather, with some kind of absurd pride in myself and a huge ego and not self worth and self esteem issues. I think maybe it lies in that I don't get approval of others my age. A past problem but perhaps one I have overcome.
Anyway, the whole point here, is the struggle with wanting to be someone great some day. But why? Why do I want to be so great? The truth is, I do. I really do. I tend to have a hard time believing I ever could be great although I have been through some certain experiences that point me otherwise. Which honestly scares me to death. That which I desire actually being a possibilty scaring me? Yeah. Definitely. But I don't really want to sound like I am having an ego problem here. Again, what it boils down to, is why do I even have to make a big deal out of ever being or not being great? I mean, for my beliefs, I don't think it makes any sort of sense. Any greatness or reputation I gain in this world is not carrying over into the next. I'm not talking about money. Money isn't the deal. Fame and recognition is. But then I would die and lose it all. It would make no difference that I had been great on earth, that has little bearing in heaven. What is more important is preparing for heaven. Storing up my treasures and showing people what I have found that they might find it also and join me in heaven and all such. Because heaven is forever. It is where I will spend an interminable amount of time. Well really its timeless but I have to relate this somehow. Here, this life, is short. It will end. It will be terminated and rather quickly. So the short glory time I could spend in the spotlight here, just isn't worth it compared to what I could have in heaven.
I really must remind that of myself sometimes. Override the sinful nature that wants me at the unhealthy extremes of either too much self importance or no self worth. Both unwise, and insensible, balanced out by living in the light of eternity.
I always loved that concept. When I lived in Montana and actually had a church to go to and my dad would actually take me periodically, the make shift pastor (the real pastor had been gone for years and they never could find another one so one of the older and wiser men took over the job even though he has no training in the field) spoke about that once. I think that and one other sermon he gave are the only two to ever stick with me as long as they have. I think the phrase is pretty self explanatory so you may muse on it as you will. Live Your Life in the Light of Eternity.
Now as promised, I need to discuss why age comments bother me so horribly. Adults seem to have such a low expectation of youth, thus youth feel they only have to meet those low expectations and never exceed. I hate it. ARGH. If you would just encourage kids and expect more of them maybe they could get motivated to fulfill some potential. I don't let it bother me that I am young and expected to be a lot less than I am. I think a good verse which illustrates this is 1 Timothy 4:12 (rather than my customary NKJV translation, I graciously used a Message translation)
And don't let anyone put you down because you're young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity.
Why can't anyone seem to get this? Don't let the low expectations people have of youth discourage you. Shock them. Surprise them. In a thoroughly good way. Not by being lewd and rebellious. Show off what a good, dynamic kid you can be man. Show off what keen sense you can have. Its cool to be that way. Really it is.
Just *argh*. I mean really it gets ridiculous, and the next person uncovered by my approval and grace to compliment me for being so amazing for my age is gonna get a lecture or a good swift kick. Maybe both.
Maybe my expectations of people are too high. For a while I thought they were pretty low, but really facing it, I think I expect a whole lot more from people than they usually have to give. I suppose I shall have to give it some thought.
Always thinking. The wheels are always turning. Cogs grinding away...