2004-02-27
Sleepier Than Thou

hearing: If You Let Me Love You - Smalltown Poets
reading: Miracles by C.S. Lewis and *thinking* about starting The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas
wearing: pjs and sleep heavy eyes

I don't really know why I am writing before I am up and moving for the day, and so soon after I have awakened. Its been...what...not even 10 minutes since I got up when I started this. Ha. That makes me so tired. Especially since I don't think I slept well last night, but thats tricky business. I seem to remember a lot of restlessness. But was that remembered from another night? I'd be inclined to say no. Although I am about ready to say I dreamt that I was sleeping restlessly. But if you dream that you are sleeping restlessly, how much of an actual improvement is that over sleeping restlessly?

So that was no fun. And it was a very stressful dream. I don't remember much of it. I remember having two conversations with two different people at the end. One was with Jesse dear. I miss him. *cries* Oh I suppose he doesn't like when I call him dear, and if he were to see that, he might be extremely unhappy. *hehe* I tried to explain that I call anyone and everyone younger than me by those endearing terms. I think that cleared it up some but really, I don't know. I think it still bothers him.

Now if you will all recall, in this entry (dear me that was scary...it looked like a messenger window was opening and flashing but I am not even signed on to messenger. At all. gosh *rubs eyes*) I talked about a certain emotion phenomena that was bothering me about my online friendships. And its been so much more subtle lately, but it lies itself on my heart heavier and longer than it was before. It whispers a lot in my ear. I don't like it. I don't know whether to explore these feelings and heed the voice, or if its the trick of the devil trying to stop things from happening. I just haven't explored it enough. I fear sharing what its telling me. In fact I have a little load of certain thoughts I am feeling reluctant to share. The window can only be open so far, and I must consider who is looking in as I arrange what shall be seen.

This isn't just me being a control freak. Or at least, I hope not... I had forgotten what exactly it was I was not going to share anyway. It ran through my head last night and it got lost while I slept.

I wonder...I wonder...

My mind is a little blank right now. I am feeling a little dead and thoughtless. Although I totter on the edge of extreme thoughtfulness. Which is what I would like to develop. I hate to feel so zombie like.

Oh yes, I remembered a dream I just had. I dreamt that I was reviewed again at diary reviews, but they had changed the categories they judged on, and the categories they judged on were so many, that they choose exactly which ones they judged on each time they reviewed a diary. So mine was up for some weird judging categories. One of them was favorite music video and I don't have one and have never mentioned one. So that made my reviewer unhappy. All in all, I think I got a 67 on my review. I was so disappointed and made them take down my review because I didn't want anyone to see that. They did. I was about to protest and ask for a re review with better categories, but I didn't. I went and did some various other things which I cannot recall right now.

But its very comforting to wake up and see that the world is not as chaotic as it was in that dream. Especially diary reviews. Well at least my world. Holidays, birthdays, and days we have company are usually that chaotic but today isn't any thus all is well.

Things are rolling...and well...

before & & after