Ok ok, I know what I said last night, that I wouldn't be on my computer anymore, and the truth is I won't, and I won't be dolling, and I won't be working on my new layout or anything for the next three weeks, but I will be writing here.
Why?
Because I need somewhere to vent my feelings. I tried writing in my offline journal but it takes me way too long to hand write and I get impatient and my words won't come out right and I skip over half my feelings because I don't feel like writing them all out. It's easier for me to just type. And I fear if I didn't write, all my feelings might veritably explode out of me. And I couldn't have that.
I also wanted to listen to my Skillet songs since they are only on my computer. I am going to see if I can coax my dad into buying me this cd to day since I know we have to go to Wal Mart anyway. I hope he will. I think he will.
Most of what I wanted to say, I did write in my offline journal so for today, just a slightly expanded and emended excerpt.
You can find me,You can find me,
You can find me anywhere
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be standing there...
~Skillet, A Little More
*tears slide down cheeks* But I looked and you weren't there...
I thought I had people there for me. People to help and support. Many a time I have looked over my shoulder to find friends, and I know they can't always be there, but when I most needed a friend, there was no one there. I turned around expecting to see at least one person, but to my complete and utter shock, there was no one there. I was left alone. And I was crushed.
I have been let down. If there was no one there when I needed someone most...
I guess I was wrong about how much people cared about me. I thought they cared for me a lot more than they apparently do. But I don't blame that on them. I blame it on me. For being who I am. For not being worth their time and care
I could go kill myself now. It seems I (and everybody else) might be the better off for it. Thinking long term, it just seems like it would be easier on everyone if I was dead. If I was just a body decaying in the earth. I am not saying my life is bad at all. No. My life is fine and good, I have everything I need. I am not complaining. The problem here is me. It is always me. I am the one wrong in my life and in everyone else's. If I wasn't there I can't help but think they might find themselves all much better off.
I do have a sliver of sense about the matter left in me. I won't kill myself. I guess I still know better. But just a little. It just hurts...I just feel so worthless.
I can fix myself. I should fix myself. Stop complaining and do something. I can. I will. I will become a better person. I will stop relying on other people to make me feel like I am worth something. I will find my worth and be confident in it. I hope I can. I pray I can.
*confidence in voice from last paragraph melts away* But I still hurt. So much. Too much.
*drops head and closes eyes and tears carve paths across her cheeks and clasps hands and whispers softly and painfully*
Just one more day...one more day...