One entry right after the other. I couldn't edit because this entry is totally unrelated to the last. Or perhaps it isn't. In any case, it just didn't fit in with everything I wrote before and the way I finished it.
I pinpointed my problem. On the nose. Pin that tail on that donkey. The main issue. The trouble. Exactly what it is that drove me to fast from messenger. The main reason. Perhaps a silly one. But I am a silly girl.
There is some sort of mental disorder which can make a person look in the mirror and see something totally different from who is really there. They might see someone much fatter then they really are. Or much uglier. Or both. It might not be who they really are, but it is what they see and they can't be persuaded otherwise.
That is exactly my problem, but my struggle is not with my physical appearance. It is with my inside. It is with myself. I can never seem to see the same person that everyone else sees when I examine. It isn't even that I know horrible things about myself that they don't. (Although I suppose that is part of the problem. That I can see bad things that they don't seem to see. Or maybe they see them but it isn't bad? Or maybe I imagine a few of the bad things?) Even when I disregard everything bad about myself that they may or may not see, I still can't see myself through their eyes. I still find myself horribly distorted.
For example, I compose an email or an entry. I find it stupid, boring, immature, misguided, ill worded, and altogether bad. And then I get at least one person who finds joy and comfort in it. I go back to read it but I can't see what they see. I only see what's wrong with it. I read it differently. The feelings they see were behind it. But I don't seem to see that they conveyed that way. I try to be something but then to me, it always turns out to be something I am not. But everyone else sees what I was trying to be in the first place.
I just cannot see the same person everyone else sees. Who they see is who I'd like to be, but I just can't see that I am. I don't understand it. It frustrates me. It frustrates me so much that it brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to see myself this way but I can't help it.
And I know that I couldn't be what I think I am so I don't want to burden people with my low self esteem. It has been scarcely controllable because there has been so much praise of late and I feel like I continue to fall short of it. That I have standards people want and see in me but I keep falling short of them. Which I don't think is the truth. But I can't see it as the truth. I don't know why. I don't know how to fix it. I just know that is what my problem is and that it needs to be fixed.
I need to be able to see what is good in me and what is bad. And then to be happy and reconciled to it. Not to be puffed with pride. Just to be humble. Truly humble. Something I am truly not because all I can ever see in myself is the bad. Because in my eyes, even my "good", looks bad.