Trying something new today. I can't decide if I want to replace thinking with wearing, or if I want to keep thinking and add wearing. I am thinking that thinking seems a little redundant. This diary is practically about what I am thinking...ya know? But it can be a nice introducer to the entry. But a wearing category would be fun. It doesn't always have to be the clothes I am wearing. If I were wearing a lampshade on my head, I could say that, or I could even put down my expression! Get it? Or I could say "too much makeup" or "no makeup" or "a buttload of chapstick". See?!?!?! I could have so much fun. So testing today. We shall see how it goes.
Anyway, I am writing because today has started out horribly. Again. Dog went to the bathroom on my floor. Twice. >< Urgh. And I just vaccumed my room the other day and the kids got faux fur from a huge stuffed dog all over it so I have to vaccum my room AGAIN. And then there was no milk for breakfast. *cries* I had to eat pasta salad, Cheese-Its, a chocolate chip cookie, a grapefruit (YAY at that though...I LOVE grapefruit!), and cherry kool aid. Great breakfast. *rolls eyes* I am still very hungry. *sigh*
'Tisn't fair that my last three days have been so crummy. At least my attitude towards the days haven't always been as negative as the days. That helps. I guess. I just don't get why it just all came like this. I want something to blame it on. So let's use Valentine's Day. It's all Valentine's Day's fault that the days have been so crummy. Valentine's and all its putrid, paltry efforts to undermine my single lifestyle. *HAHAHAHAHAHA* Valentine's Day can kiss my ass cause I have not b een sucked in. Disregarding the fact that I am really not allowed to have anything to do with boys, and that I don't even know any in real life; if I could and if I did, I just plain haven't felt the need for a relationship for a long time. Pangs of loneliness every now and then. I will admit that. But they quickly go and they have been even less lately. Very scarce. I am happy being single. I like it. Scratch that, I love it. Seriously. A lot. Yeah. Whoo yes... and it has nothing to do with my bitterness. Maybe a little, but not a lot. So here I am, all happy being single, and Valentine's Day feels that it needs to try and intrude on that. *ARGH* Stupid.
Although something else is formulating in my mind right now. Hmmm. This is a very interesting outlook. I am going to think on this more. I am forming a positive way to look at Valentine's Day. Yes. !! I will have to do some shuffling and come up with a nice little something to write tonight. I don't see why this has to be negative. I don't see why there has to be a majorly bad undermining of single lifestyles. All in the viewpoint. What sort of a viewpoint? Well dears I am forming the idea still. It just kind of dropped into my head just now. Maybe it will finish forming and I will have some interesting light to shed. Or it might die. Be prepared for that too. Don't get too much hope up.
Why didn't I do this at Christmas? Ha. I need to do some research now.
Oh. Yes. I slept horribly last night. I dreamt technical dreams. About dolling. I also had a dolling website in my dream which I hadn't updated for 3 months. And I was trying to update again. Ugh. I HATE dolling dreams. When I do, part of my brain that usually rests at night, gets kept awake and used for the dream. Thus my sleep cannot be very restful. My brain works too hard trying to pixel shade. Argh. So I am pretty tired. No fun. Stupid dolling dreams. Dolling is for day time awakeness. Not night time asleepness.
I hate being in the middle of things. Watching someone go through a hard time and then losing the people who help them through. And maybe they don't know they are losing people, but I do. But I can't tell. I want to help. But I am not quite sure how. I am not sure if my help is welcomed. I am not sure how it can be accepted. Yet I am going to try to help. I really think that my help will be needed. Or maybe it won't be? I don't know. I just hate being in the middle and unsure of what to do. I feel for them. I truely do.
I also hate being treated like a sex object. I thought we had that straightened out but apparently not. You just can't see my viewpoint. But then again, I didn't tell you your treatment of me makes me feel like a sex object. Maybe you don't mean to so if I said that I would feel terribly embarrassed. But this is really terribly distressing. You won't stop. Because you think I like it. You think I need this kind of attention. I really don't though. I did try to tell you that. That I could be fine without it. But you wouldn't listen and you wouldn't believe.
Beside the fact that you hardly even KNOW me. So I still don't see where you come off saying that you like me. What exactly do you like? Hm? Just the thought of physical intimacy. Not me. Just the thought of physical intimacy with a petite pretty thing like me. You are in pain aren't you? Trying to ease it with me. You know that you can't. But you are trying anyway.
Crap you don't even read my journal so I don't know why I am talking to you. But I will anyway. You don't even know who you are. But I just have to get it out.
I suppose that is all I had to say. I was just feeling very compulsive about writing. Yes. But I am done for now. I am sure there will be plenty more tonight.