2004-02-10
Bad Days Remedied By Pink Hair?

listening to: Poor Man - Plus One (I could tell that if I didn't listen to this now, it might end up stuck in my head all night >.< )
reading: Lilith by George MacDonald and A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L'Engle
thinking: Of Pink hair and new chairs

So tired. Still. Is it any surprise? It grows later and later but I am devoted to my dearest diary. *kisses diary* Awh...I am in such a nice mood tonight. I have been so irritated and angry all day but the truth is, the thought of pink hair on little dollies makes me so happy. I am working on a little couple doll for Valentine's day and I am giving the little girl AND the little boy, pink hair. I love pink hair so much. It makes me so happy. If I thought I could pull it off I would try dying my hair pink, but really and seriously, I just don't think it would ever suit me. Thus, I appease myself by making hoardes of little pink haired dollies. Everytime I get irritated I should just make a pink haired dollie. And a pink haired boy dollie at that. Even better. I might have to throw in a few pink haired boy dollies in kilts when I am in a really bad mood. That would bring me far up and out of a bad mood into a soaring good one. Pink haired boys in kilts...wow. I am bizarre. Thank you. ^^

Seriously though, but is this really a serious topic?, I am obsessed with hair. I guess I never realized how much so until a couple days ago. I suppose one key point that brought me to this realization, was the constant obsessing over my own hair. This led me to think further. What is the first thing I notice about people? Their hair. Good hair pleases me immensely. I like deep rich colors best. This will count blondes, but not of bleached or platinum hues. I was never terribly fond of strawberry blonde either. I could go on about this. Hehe. Curly hair on boys (but not fros) gets me excited too. Just hair. I like it. I like to mess around with it. Poor brother dear. He has such nice hair. I will come up upon him and just run my fingers all about through it and pull and tug it this way and that in most artistic expressions. Sadly, my mom just cut his hair and I can't do that, but it will grow out soon enough. I don't like the cut my mom gave him. I think I could pinpoint some longer cuts that would suit him better. My mom would hate that though. Back on topic though, my brother has learned to deal with my ruffling around in his hair. As has my sister. I also like to play with hers. Hers is thick and very wavy. Almost curly. Great fun. Especially since my hair has always been straight. I never touch the hair of my two youngest sisters because they hate it to be touched, and they won't brush their own hair so it is often straggly and clumpy and knotty and that just disgusts and repulses me.

*hehe* 103 things out of nothing.

Today was a horrible day. Very bad. Maybe I can blame that on it being Monday. Everything seemed to go wrong, and every time I wanted to do things, I was interrupted or frustrated. Without fail. It wasn't fair. This morning there was so much bottled anger. I was afraid of one of my horrible, violent outbreaks. Somehow though, I seem to have grown too passive and apathetic to really break out. I could feel the anger welling up inside of me and I was nigh trembling from the pressure. I let myself slam my hand down on the bed and the force I used was incredible. I almost wanted to go on, along with yelling violently but somehow, it subsided just as easily. I repressed it and stuffed it back. Just as I do with tears. Just as I do with any emotion these days. There is none. No passion of any sort. All are screened by a veil of happiness. A false mask of it at that. I hate when I let such happen. Nothing much can touch or move me. I feel pity. But it is so very apathetic. The way I have dealt with everything lately. Everything. I know it. I feel it. All dismissed and repressed. Not really caring anymore. Not taking anything seriously. I used to be more passionate but... I have a hunch about why this is happening. I'd rather not share, but... I should have known better. I don't know if I can reverse the process. I will try though. I am doing fine and I seem to be feeling happy, but have I really taken care of any of my problems? I think that is really what is disturbing my sleep. Letting my problems go. Just like that. Never solving and then letting go. Just ignoring. Always ignoring.

I do it again. Of course. What I wrote, I try to insist that I want it ignored, but really, do I? Do I want to talk about it with someone? Is that why I wrote it? Have I created further problems for myself by writing and then ignoring it? But could I really be brought to talk of it? It is more my nature to blow it off.

I do and I would, because I hate when people tell me things I already know as though I could not possibly have known them. It is being underestimated is what it is. I don't like to be underestimated.

Bed sounds good right about now. And a good vigorous hair brushing.

*sigh*

Alright, I admit, I have a huge superiority complex.

su�peri�ori�ty com�plex
1. An exaggerated feeling of being superior to others.
2. A psychological defense mechanism in which feelings of superiority counter or conceal feelings of inferiority.

Oh. Angst. Is it just me, or do I seem to be good at angst lately...

before & & after