Good intentions with bad results. Not really on my part either.
I should have asked for no replies. Not even indirect replies.
I am a very sensible child and have gotten a whole lot through my skull and accepted it in my logic since everything that has happened. I almost could have written what you did. But, sense and logic don't seem to help me. I am very sensible and logical about the whole affair then I realize that that is as far as it has ever gone. It never sunk in. Just into my brain. And every time I try to make it sink in and go deeper to the point where my head and my heart agree, I can't, and walls go up higher. I have to deal with the root of the issue, forgiveness, before I can finally let all my sense and logic permeate me. That bugs the crap out of me. That I know one thing but my heart defies and disbelieves it. Heartily (no pun intended). No sense. I hate that. Argh. I base everything on common sense and when something stands up against it, when common sense won't work and I have to do something deeper and more drastic, I get futile and jumpy. I just can't.
Anyway. I am tired as hell this morning. And even more irritable. I am not really thinking very straight. My brain is all rather confused and mushed and chaotic. I would like to go sleep the day away but I suppose I can't. Argh. So I am going to go eat a bowl of Raisin Bran instead. I might go against myself and pour heaps of sugar on it in the hopes that it will keep me awake.