2004-02-08
Drama Queen of Chaos

listening to: Your Kisses Blind Me - The Benjamin Gate
reading: Lilith by George MacDonald and A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L'Engle
thinking: Peaceful thoughts

With heaven above
The light warms my face
I feel safe

Pay attention dear (talking to myself there)...I don't know, that hit me close and helped me a lot. I suppose everything has felt a little too chaotic and confused lately. Been feeling very afraid and alone and unprotected lately and something as simple as that reminded me that I am none of those things. That is why I wanted to go into a cave last night. I just felt so alone and open and unprotected from everything. I wanted shelter and protection. Thoughts have been revolving most especially around the protection thing. And Jesus is there...to wrap His arms around me. Now I feel safe, and protected, and my fear is gone. Even the loneliness departs. And that is very welcome.

Moving on.

Today was roller coaster of emotion. Up an d down. Quietness, Anger, Irritability, Hyperness, Sillyness, Depression, Happiness, Frustration, Loneliness, Blondness *hehe...Yes I am a natural blonde and I had my times today*... That is all I can think of off the top of my head but it was nuts. Crazy go nuts. I wanted to kill something then I turn around and want to kiss it. Although right after I kiss I would probably kick it...hard...and violently. I am very violent lately. Just beware. Stand back. Fear me.

I guess one of my most poignant momments of the day was sitting, curled up in my chair with the heater on full blast pointed towards me and a purple and white crocheted afghan pulled across me. I clutched my teddy bear with my books sitting beside me. I originally had the intention of reading but I just couldn't. I felt so bad. I felt so alone. I felt so vulnerable. I clutched my teddy bear close in front of me and nestled close to it as though it would be my protection. I sat and my soul was crying. Tears of sorrow flowing. But my eyes do not cry any more, sobs will not rack my body. Only my soul. And those hurt so much more. They cannot be dried and wiped away. All I could do in response was to fall asleep. I awakened irritable and cranky. But it was better than being so broken.

I don't want to go through that again. Especially since I feel better now.

I don't really know much else to say anymore. There is a lot on my mind and quite a bit of it is entry worthy material, but the thoughts aren't really coherent or organized. Just a lot of mush and chaos. Everything is chaos. We shall end the entry the same as it begun. There is too much chaos and confusion in and around me. I need rest. Physically and emotionally. I want to go sleep now. I might write again in the morning, in the hopes that I might be more collected and organized after a full night's sleep.

POSTSCRIPT: I am thankful. To have peace. Which births hope. Which births joy. Not happiness mind you. Joy. I am thankful. In the midst of the storm is the eye. Calm. Peace. Jesus. Amen.

POST POST SCRIPT: I have been reading around again. Mostly diary review sites. I started getting really passionate. I was even verbally growling whilst making my bed because I was feeling so motivated.

I don't want to be like every other teen girl with a diaryland diary. I want mine to be different. Different I tell you!! Different in a good knock your socks off way!!! DIFFERENT!!! I SCREAM DIFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRENNNNNNNTTTTTTTT!!! *Shrieks loudly* I AM NOT OBSSESSIVE!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! *runs into a wall*

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Ok I am going to go back to brushing my hair now. And then I am going to bed. Finally. I was just really frustrated and had to get that out of my system. I feel a whole lot better now.

before & & after