2004-02-05
Memories of The Past Shift Near the Surface

listening to: Glorious Moment - Luna Halo
reading: Lilith by George MacDonald and A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeline L'Engle
thinking: *bounce bounce* I'm wide awake *bounce bounce* uh oh...

Well then, I got off the computer, went to bed early, slept a little, woke up again, and couldn't get back to sleep so here I am! Trying to make myself tired again. Hee...

Argh. My feet insist on falling asleep so much lately. It's annoying the heck out of me.

Not that that is too important though...

Now I feel like someone is creeping up behind me. This is weird. As though someone were right behind me and about to place their hands on my shoulders. I can feel the hands hovering above my shoulders. I can feel the person's presence and shadow. But watch. *whirls around and gazes around slowly and cautiously* No one. Nope. Didn't think there was. It just felt like it. It isn't really scary or creepy, but not all too nice and pleasing either. Just extremely bizarre. I remember feeling like that as a child. Sometimes I would feel hands reaching out of the drain and grabbing my ankles. Not to pull me down the drain. No. Just grabbing my ankles. Now and then I remember being in bed and feeling an invisible pair of arms wrapped around me. Sometimes the hands felt as though they would fall on my shoulders to shake me violently though. Like now. I haven't felt those hands in so long. Ha. Bizarre.

I went searching through and considering the contents of my hope chest today. Well, mostly a certain box of keepsake papers, awards and drawings. I drew a lot a lot when I was very young. It was one of my favorite things to do. I remembered a lot about things that have happened, and about aspects of myself that I have since lost or shed. Which isn't bad, its just nice to remember. Interesting to think about. Some of the things I used to be and how those traits have carried me to who I am today and why they were lost and how necessary it was that some were [lost that is]. I can also see the evolution of my writing. Just the development of me, as a whole. That was 10 years worth of time I went through today. A lot of memories. Tomorrow I might go poring over yearbooks again. Although there are so many bitter memories and some rather hateful that I usually end up in tears, but thats ok, I need to remember. I just wish I hadn't thrown my 2 old journals out. I keep wishing that I had changed my mind at the last moment and slipped them into a box to be kept. I could almost convince myself that they were. But I remember the garbage bag. I remember the journals going in. If I only hadn't thrown them out...if only...

I am left wanting... Longing for those journals. For the memories recorded. The fateful night at the movies. The turning point that it became. The record of my thoughts about that particular Dance. I still remember the song that was playing...*trails off and sighs discontentedly* Memories I hold onto weakly because I wanted to forget. All shifting just under the surface. I even remember my pen (or pencil) touching the paper to record. I vaguely remember little details. But not enough of them. I need those journals. I can't have them though. They are long decayed in a landfill somewhere. All I have left is my memory and it won't conjure anything up.

I am rambling about nonsense now. Complete, utter, BORING nonsense. It may matter to me, but that really doesn't mean that the rest of the world wants to hear about it.

I have nothing. more. to. say. Nothing. For tonight. Bad entry. But I just couldn't sleep. Thank you for the ears, willing or not. You can have them back now. I am going to bed again.

before & & after