(psst: I feel more doltish than dense, but dolt isn't a choice on imood...and NO, I am not trying to insult myself and I do not feel worthless or anything, I just plain feel like a DOLT)
Songs stuck in my head since last night: So Yesterday - Hilary Duff, You Get Me - ZOEgirl, All I Can Do - Jump 5. Disgusting. Horrible. So what do I wash it out with? Grits. Wheeeeee... Sometimes I get some really weird musical yearnings. Don't question me. Oh yes, and I wore a long skirt today. My whole outfit has a cowgirl-ish feel which really disagrees with me, but thats ok. Just illustrating what kind of paradoxes I embody today.
Anyway.
I think first I will resume the topic of my paternal grandmother's wedding I started yesterday. I explained the marriage on my cast page so you can check out more details there.
Because it is my grandmother getting married, and there won't be any kids there, it is probably just my dad, my sister, and I going. I look forward to a driving trip without the kids!!!!!!! YAY!!!! I better order my cds today, and hopefully they get here before we have to leave so I have some music to listen to. And I will be able to play it on the car speakers! YAY!!!! No klove!!!!!!!! ^^
Of course, if I keep my favorite cds in rotation, I am sure my dad and my sister will complain!!!! heehee...that's ok...Just that my music is boring or weird. I get that a lot. Especially with Kevin Max. *snickers evilly*
This wedding should be interesting. I think I will be BORED out of my mind. Ugh. My sister and I will probably be, by far, the youngest at the wedding. I can just think of the torture of the small wedding and perhaps a small reception afterward. I don't know for sure but I really don't look forward to it. I won't back out of going though, because I think it will be an interesting experience. My dad is gaining a stepfather...a stepfather who has been his uncle all these years. It is really bizarre to think about. I will be a very quiet, thoughtful observer that day. But I am concerned about my sister because she is even shyer than I am. If I have a hard time coping, how will she do? Ahhh well...it is still a trip I look forward to...although I don't look forward to it's purpose...
I have been doing some experimentation lately. With my food of course! I have found that you can definitely alter how food tastes when you eat it by what you are thinking. Many times now, I will sit and stare at a can of orange soda and think about how it tastes, then lift up my glass of milk and take a drink. My mind gets extremely confused and my taste buds don't know quite how to react and the proper taste of the milk is not relayed to my brain, but almost the flavor of orange soda, because that was what I told my taste buds was coming. I have also done some experimentation with food...not just liquids. I will stare at fudge and think about it's flavor then take a bite of waffles smathered in jelly and the taste just isn't the same. The taste alters because, again, my taste buds get confused, expecting one thing but getting another, so they don't know how to interpret it.
You don't think I have too much time on my hands do you?
I have been turning over the thought of what has been bothering me and disturbing my thought. Lately, I think I have decided that it might be all my unfixed problems. As soon as I turn a glimmer of a thought that way, a stab of blackness, a stab of despair runs its way through my joy, peace, and contentment. It doesn't spoil anything, but it just asserts itself, reminds me that it is there. I try not to dwell on it. I try to turn my eyes away from it and keep them turned to hope, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I fear everything might come crashing down again and if I end up plunged in despair again, I might not be able to pull out without fixing everything. But do I really want to? No. I can't. See this is depressing me now... I want to move away from it...
My brain is on some sort of short circuit failure right now. I just can't think of much else to say, and more importantly, how to word it. Not quite sure why...