Edit at 5:30pm: My notes feature is working. I am not sure if there was a time when it wasn't but that is what I was told. Leave me a note eh? Please? *smiles broadly and bats eyelashes a few times*
I woke up this morning to find that computer that has been used for viewing offensive material on. It has been on every morning when I have gotten up for ...oh the past week I think. The webpage that was open was a Neopets page. Which, I think, points to my brother since my sister isn't up yet. I was rather squirmy about it but then thought that heck, I am waking up at 11. What is so suspicious about waking up at 11 and finding the computer on but with no one on it? The kids get up at around 7 or 8. That is 3 or 4 hours before I am up. Plenty of time to get on the computer and play and abandon it. Ha.
I really should go check recent internet activities on that computer. I know how to go through and look at some things. My mother is very very computer illiterate so all she knows to do is see what sites have been visited via the dropdown menu in the browser. Mother considers being knowledgeable about computers a childish hobby. Something not worth her time to learn. Way up there with reading C.S. Lewis books. She doesn't really like fantasy either so I know she will never pick up a MacDonald or a Tolkien. Although she also considers both childish/teen agerish fare. Along with all my classics. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me, but oh well. I will leave her be and let her watch her tv. And considering the shows she watches, by her standards, that is a very very adult thing to do. Especially when she crochets at the same time.
I will not make any more comments on that.
Cats rather noisy again last night. My sleep seemed a little disturbed again also. But the sleep disturbances were not caused by the noise of the cats. It was something else. I haven't decided why I sleep so restlessly of late. There must be some reason. My romanticsm has all sorts of spooky, ominuous ideas.
I did also dream a lot. But of course, when don't I of late? I remember going through years of peaceful, dreamless sleep. Now I dream so much almost every night. Never nightmares though. I guess it isn't too unusual or extraordinary. But it does give me a lot of thinking material. All the dreams dreams dreams dreams...
Mother's laundry day and mine coincided. How nice! That means I got to throw my stuff in with hers. One less thing to do today.
The last passage I read in Phantastes yesterday really struck me. I read it over twice and now I read it a third time. I would quote the entire passage, but that would be too much. I will only quote the part that stuck out most to me. The one sentence that jumped off the page and almost literally slapped me in the face it made me think so hard.
Indeed, my ideal soon became my life; whereas formerly, my life had consisted in a vain attempt to behold, if not my ideal in myself, at least myself in my ideal.
I have an ideal for myself, yet I tend to try and embody it in the way I am now.... myself in my ideal... That simply will not work. It will not do. I cannot fit myself into my ideal. My vision of myself is so distorted that more often than not, I do see myself as my ideal. Even in the midst of my "imperfections". It all comes back to me seeing myself as this poor, virtuous martyr of an innocent girl meant to be pitited beyond belief. That is so utterly absurd that I could hit myself for it. All this vanity must end. *slams a staff on floor for emphasis* (didn't know I had a staff didja? *winks*)
Joy is a subtil elf,I think man's happiest when he forgets himself
Cyril Tourneur (although I found it in Phantastes)
This ties in also, I think. I need to lay myself away and focus on God...on Jesus, my ideal. Move past the selfish vanity and self examination onto a forgetfulness of self that lets God transform me into an ideal. Transform me...not squeeze it into...transform...
I haven't given up everything yet though. I can't. I have my nature and my pride still close to me...a shadow to loom. There is a deep root of bitterness inside. Unforgiveness, unwillingness to reconciliation. And from that is resistance and fear and walls built up. I imprisoned myself.
I really don't want to think about all this now and discuss it. It is too depressing and for now, I can overcome that depression. Sort of. I realize what a roadblock I face. I would like to move on but it is impossible until I remove the roadblock. Which I fear doing. I am so afraid of it. I tremble and cower at the thought. What a mess. What a fix.
This is fast becoming incoherent.
I haven't eaten breakfast yet this morning and it is nigh one. I should go remedy this.
With a skip and tear shall I leave then...