2004-01-20
"And that's what I love about Megan"

listening to: The Voyager - Starflyer 59
reading: Phantastes by George MacDonald
thinking: I want to go outside again

To start out the day, I woke up with congested sinuses and feeling pretty crummy. Thus I wore my pink velour and satin sweat suit. So between the two, my self image is pretty bad today. I feel like an ugly, sick frump. But somehow that doesn't matter...more later...

I thought I should explain my short description first. My two youngest sisters doll now since I do. My youngest sister doesn't read well yet so she often can't find her "workshop" (the name I gave it), which is basically her paint document of dolls and bases. I was in the middle of fixing my breakfast so I came down kind of snarly and irritated and found the document quick as a wink then promptly went to stomp upstairs when I heard my sister so sweetly say, "That's what I love about Megan..." I almost stopped dead in my tracks. I was astounded. I felt so much remorse for having such a bad attitude about helping her. She needs the help and she really appreciates that I give it her yet I do it so begrudgingly. I need to turn my attitude around. Quit being so irritated about doing things for them such as fixing their lunch or what not. They can't do it and need my help, and even if they don't always voice it, they are grateful. I got my proof today.

It snowed last night. I woke up to see all the snow and found it ironic that I have been talking of snowflakes melting on cement to see snowflakes falling and staying whole. My romanticism painted it in such a light that this must be some kind of omen. My thoughts may reflect this. Perhaps today, there will be no snowflakes melting on cement.

For now I do feel rather awake and far away. I have stepped outside in my slippers and sweat suit several times this morning. It is snowing lightly still so I would turn my head into the wind and let it tousle my hair just a little and let the snowflakes kiss my face. I closed my eyes and basked in the bliss of it. But I was mortally afraid of my mother coming down and catching me outside in improper footwear and without a coat, hat or gloves and getting it. I did not know how I would explain myself. Fortunately, I was not caught, although I did leave tell tale slipper prints on the snow outside the back door. I smiled when I saw them. They are probably still there for my mother to see, but what does it matter. It was worth it, for those few moments of glorious solitude rejoicing in the falling snow.

Thus it doesn't matter what I look and feel like physically today. I don't matter much at all today... no... I should like to stand outside in the snow again... or at least sit and watch it from my bedroom window. I am beginning to like the snow...I am beginning to like it, and today is proof...

Thus ends another entry. Two within scarce 12 hours of each other. And my dears, I would not be surprised if I write again tonight at around midnight. I only hope that so many entries so often do not overwhelm anyone...

before & & after