Today was roughly uneventful. I woke up as late as I did and didn't do much the rest of the day.
We went to Wal Mart today. All of us. Mother talked a lot. As usual. She talked about getting my braces off and getting things finished off with a retainer and/or Invisalign (and a good teeth bleaching). She also talked about getting my GED and then getting me into college. But it always seems to be just talk. Nothing ever gets done. My mother did say she has looked at some paperwork from the college or something like that... I am not quite sure what she has been doing, but it is something I think, and it stirs up a little more hope. Just a few somethings are getting done. Hopefully finally things will go somewhere. No more procrastinating and stalling and waiting.
Although half the problem is money. When isn't it? Dad's paycheck was small this week and most of it went to paying for his flight to Salt Lake. My dad's company will reimburse him, but note: Reimburse. That means he will pay now and they will pay him back later. My dad has submitted his latest bill to his boss and it is a decent amount but his boss may not have sent it in so we can get a check this week. If he didn't, we are almost literally, running on nothing. I hate when that happens. My dad told us that if that happens he does have a few ideas on scrounging up the money to make it through the week until our next paycheck. Oh man...I guess you could pray that things have been done so that my dad will get paid this week, and that if he doesn't, we can scrape up enough money to make it through the week. No money, for this week and next, Seven people...bad...bad bad bad... I really do hate money. I just must say that...It is useful and all and needed but still, I really do heartily despise it.
Anyway, I just got finished having some alone time. I am feeling 110% like a girl tonight. I did my nails and performed various other little girly self grooming techniques whilst listening to Sixpence None The Richer. It was calming and quite nice to sit by myself and just think but then again my thoughts very quickly turned to how lonely I was. Sitting on my floor all by myself wishing I had another girl there to help and to talk with me about how silly boys are. I can't elaborate on that here but it is all very jocund *heehee*. But alas, I don't have a sympathizing female ear to sit and giggle and ponder with about those mysteries. I do not even know why the heck I was doing my nails. I don't go out of the house hardly ever, and when I do, it is not like I go have direct interaction with anyone and much less anyone who will care that my nails are sparkly and well groomed and pretty. I wonder why I spend so much time making sure I look nice when there isn't a soul to look nice for. It is just a little habit, a pet, an obsession. So I wiped away the tears and tried to turn it away... look on the bright side... I can sit and think on things. Reflect on Cosmo and the Princess again. Pray a little. Do what I may to enjoy the time.
But then again who am I kidding? I try to turn my thoughts away to transform my weakness into a virtue and make it seem a strength. To paint myself as a strong, virtuous, bittersweet martyr to be pitied and admired. In reality it is all a pretty little illusion filled with vanity and pride to get attention and approval. What am I but discontent and unhappy and then to turn to prideful deceit...
We all wonder could people really like us if they see what is truely down inside. If they see past all the "strengths" and "virtues" and see what the real motivations are and what we are stripped down. Would there be anything left that they will truely care about? And not in a pitying way?
But am I not overanalyzing the situation? We are all pretty bad stripped down but God helps us overcome what we are naturally and then become something better. I take it down too far. It is not me which gives me the hope and turns my focus from my loneliness to rejoicing in solitude, I turn to God and ask Him for the strength to let me do that. He is the one to be admired...to be looked to...
And then some things are better left alone.
If nothing is self evident, nothing can be proved. Similarly, if nothing is obligatory for its own sake, nothing is obligatory at all.
-C.S. Lewis
I guess that might not make sense here... for what continues to roll in my mind, I need to read that and remind myself of that. Some things just are.
And there must be an end, just as there was a beginning...in this world, in this life, there always is... so here is my end for this entry, here is the termination, but never so fully closed that you should not be left without something to think on...
And another snowflake will hit the warm cement to melt away under the burning sun...or will a hand reach out and catch it, yet only to have it melt as swiftly there...