2004-01-06
Creative Thinking
listening to: Imperfection - Skillet...I have had this song stuck in my head ALL DAY...
reading: Nicholas Nickleby and Selected Poems from Emily Dickinson
thinking: I am feeling creative! And tired...
When am I not tired these days? Maybe I will get into bed earlier tonight...
Can I be somebody else...
Sorry...random Skillet moment... :s
Anyway...Today chaos continues with the kids...is it even worth mentioning anymore? Gosh...little girl is having some trouble...physically...pertains to her mother being a heavy smoker...my mom was explaining it to my dad but I didn't pay enough attention to really absorb it...Poor thing...not to mention the fact that her mom is forty now... life is gonna be tough I think for those two...
But isn't it tough for my fourteen year old cousin...working 2 jobs and just about flunking everything in school...He has different parents then the cousins staying with us...he is from my mom's side of the family...
Our family is so dysfunctional and screwed up every which way...we are the only ones who seem normal and together...but I think most of it is all a lovely facade...in which I participate...*sigh* But things could be worse...
Otherwise, I was feeling creative and spontaneous (!) today and this kinda popped out...
The gif monster kinda ate her and part of the dress is white and I made the white transparent so she could show up on colored backgrounds but now she gets a lot of funky colored dots through her dress cause of that...>_< I tried to make the white purpley so that wouldn't happen but I screwed up...urgh...defeated my own purpose..
Beside those two problems, she turned out so well...she is just gorgeous...I love her...I grabbed the base intending to make a doll of the North Wind but I didn't think the face was quite right for what I wanted so I closed her eyes and changed her lips and darkened them...then I decided to pale her skin, and then I started drawing a white dress but I didn't know how I wanted to draw it so it just kinda happened...but I thought the shading I did on it looked to nightgown-ish...so it became a shift and I decided I should put some clothing pieces on top of the dress and it just happened...yeah...so now I see what was wrong with the shading on some of my other dolls and I think I can fix them and they should be done soon...mhm...
Moving past the dolls though...
I found these today and liked them very much
"First I thought, almost despairing, This must crush my spirit now; Yet I bore it, and am bearing- Only do not ask me how."
Heine
(twas originally in German...I think... but George Macdonald translated it)
and this...
"This wretched Inn, where we scarce stay to bait,
We call our Dwelling Place
We call one Step a Race
But angels in their full enlightened state,
Angels, who Live, and know what tis to Be,
Who all the nonsense of our language see,
Who speak things, and our words, their ill drawn pictures, scorn,
When we, by a foolish figure say,
Behold an old man dead! Then they
Speak properly, and cry, Behold a man child born!"
Cowley
I really like those...most especially the first one... things like these...whether right or wrong, stir hope within my breast...and my bitter despondency pulls at me...it tries it's hardest to pull me back...my pessimestic nature will not handle to be overthrown, yet I wish to rebel against it...the hope will try to come to life and to fight back...not to bring me happiness...just to kill the despair...the loneliness...the despondency...I know not whence this strong, driving hope comes, but I have a pretty good idea, and it pushes me to the top of my hole to survey the road before me...it whispers gently and kindly (what a nice break it is from the harsh rasps of the unkind despair), that I can do this...all by myself...it will be hard and it seems impossible, but if I can summon my will to do it, I can...alone...the whole road will not be completely devoid of people, although the beginning might be...misgivings still cloud though...something else will still nudge that this is too hard...by myself that is...so the war goes on...but I know I have to overcome emotion...I know I have to move past impulses...I must use self will and discipline...I can make it out of this hole and traverse this barren road...if I cannot do it alone, then I can stand strong, hopeful, and perhaps even joyous until someone comes to aid me...I do not have to stay in the middle of irrational emotions...I can move above this and look beyond...I can handle this better...and not falsely...not a mask of pleasantry...no...a strength and a faith in the face of my trials...
Do you notice that I tend to skirt around explaining the problem? If you don't mind, I shall again...it is a little awkward and can seem so trivial...it isn't...and I see how it is all so important to me and why this is such a big deal, although it doesn't always seem so at first glance...Perhaps another day I can discuss the root of the problem...considering it...I see that the root is one of those things that cannot be proved...it simply is...something that must be taken for truth because without it, nothing else makes sense...but when it is taken as truth, everything else falls in line behind it...and it all makes sense...hm...it will be very interesting to dissect the problem again and explain it but not tonight...
Tonight I move on to be strong another day...to stand tall in the face of adversity...the day will come when I get let it go and shed the tears that will not come now...but until then, I cannot let it rule me...It may lie and gnaw all it wants, but it cannot trash and dominate...
Lesson for today: To be hopeful!