Today we went shopping again. I went with my sibs and my dad...Cassie desperately needed a new pair of shoes...so we went to the store and the whole time I jokingly pressed her to get a pair of Chuck Taylors...bwahahaha... she thought I was crazy... they had a really cute pair of gray and pink Converse shoes I wanted...not Chucks though...they were something else...I forgot what...but I didn't say anything...ha...I doubt I have much that would match with em anyway...Man I just don't feel like talking about the events of today...
But it was really hard to be out and about like that...being around people really tends to suffocate me...I feel so uncomfortable and scared and paranoid...I haven't mentioned before but I actually won't look people I don't know, or don't know well in the face...in the eyes...scares the crap outta me...it's like people look in my eyes when I don't know them and...bah...its just terrifying...don't look in my eyes...it scares me...always has...but if I have known you and been around you in person long enough, I will look you in the eyes with ease...
What else...oh...my aunt has cancer...very far advanced...she has 6 months - 2 years to live...and she doesn't want anything to do with the rest of the family...apparently, she has known about this cancer for a long time but never told anybody...and now she won't let anybody come see her...so oh the drama surrounding this...and my maternal grandmother has earned the nikname "Witch" if you take my meaning...tyeah...she is a pain in the arse...whatever...life goes on...
Man listen to me...I am just all morbid and deeply cynical and unfeeling...Ima need to whip somebody...dunno why...I hate feeling this...mean... yeah...its weird...I hate it... but I just don't really care right now...everything's wrong...the broken record echoes louder and louder...EVERYTHING IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even my feelings now...it is all wrong...I just don't get it...*buries face in hands* I just want to cry...and I want somebody to hold me all the while...is that so much to ask? Nothing romantic...no... I just wanna cry whilst cradled in someone's arms...I have no preference...just not a stranger...>_> I am tired of my only comforts being my teddy bear and the cold cement beam in the middle of my room...they don't offer warmth and very little comfort...they can't hug back or cry with me...they are inanimate objects...but I have to settle...just clutch my teddy bear and cry on my own shoulder...sometimes I hate to admit it cause I always feel like I am gonna be condemned and told a lot of platitudes and cliches about God and letting Him be my comfort and I know but still...I am gonna say it...it isn't that He is absent...it is that I ran and I am having a hard time running back...not cause I don't want to...I love Him so much...and I know He loves me but I just feel a little stuck...I am a little unwilling to run back...a little embarrassed...I feel like a little girl in a threadbare nightgown clutching my little teddy bear whilst standing in a muddy ditch on a cold, rainy night...and I am all alone...I am so blue and cold....I can't even cry or call out for help...just stand and shiver...I want to be rescued...I just need to thaw out a little bit so that I can cry out for help... and then God will come and rescue me and take me in His arms again...wash me off...change my clothes...maybe carry me just a little way...back to the road I was on...then He can set me down...hold my hand a little...then He can let go...and I will try my hardest to keep my focus on Him...I really will...but my hardest never seems to be enough...
And more metaphors...yes...my cold feelings...I feel like a soda bottle being shaken...shaken...shaken...I have been shaking for so very long...a year or more...and my emotions build up inside me...the pressure builds...pushing against the cap...I am waiting to explode...I am a time bomb...always ticking...when shall I explode...when shall it finally end? I am desperate for the day yet I fear it...the day it all pours out...the torrents of tears and frustration and anger...it won't be pretty...will I have a friend to listen and comfort when it happens...I dearly hope so...I dearly hope so but somehow, things just don't look that bright...just keep shaking...til the time comes...
Well moving on, I took a Personality Disorder test...here are the results...
(hopefully this works)
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | High |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Low |
| Avoidant: | Very High |
| Dependent: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
I think I am mentally stable and don't need any drugs or anything...maybe I do have some small personality disorder problems here and there but is that so bad? No! I am fine...but I would like to comment...
Edit:I retook the test because today, it has been brought forth to me that my Paranoia was a lot worse than I originally thought...the only sentence of Paranoid that doesn't match me is this one, "They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges. " I am more prone to blame all difficulties on myself...maybe another day we will talk about my theory on where my Paranoia originated...I still don't think I have Paranoid personality disorder though...everything doesn't match up...(oh psst...I don't know when I jumped to a high rating on Schizotypal...weird...and histronic levels lowered..that was one I agreed with on high...I should take it again to screw up my results again...bwahahahaha)
Skipping to Borderline...very high...
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.
So true the first 2 sentences, part of the third sentence, and the last sentence...although I have never carried out a suicidal thought and have never harmed myself...come close but never have...doesn't seem rational to me...so yeah...I am a bit Borderline but it is not a real disorder problem... (oh yes, and this test doesn't claim to tell you whether you really have personality disorders...just give you an idea...just in case...yeah...i don't take all this too seriously)
Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
This is all me...all me...yep...including that dress provacatively part...well maybe not the second to last sentence...no way...we won't go into that now, but this is very me, but it is not serious or chronic enough to be a personality disorder...I know this...trust me...
Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Yes and yes again...this is all very me, but still not chronic enough in me to be a true personality disorder...
Dependent
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.
Only the first two sentences and the last two sentences... the rest don't match up with me...so still not a personality disorder...and who doesn't feel helpless and depressed ya know? So the last one being true is almost no duh territory...but it is a symptom or part of the disorder...yeah...I get it...
Obsessive-Compulsive
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
Ok so I only score high here but trust me, this is totally me with my perfectionism...I won't go into it, but after almost having a nervous breakdown from not reaching my high goals when we lived back in Cali...I think I may have OCD Perfectionism...don't know for sure...this is one problem where I might actually consult a therapist some day...yes...check me out....I am a little wary of having myself fixed or reversed with meds if I have a problem...I guess if I ever did end up having OCD I might be willing to take meds...I doubt it though...I highly doubt my OCD being that serious...
oh fun fun fun eh? Yes...I know...whatever...this was somethin wasn't it? Well now I am going...yes...and I will need to do some drastic html editing to make this page look good...
Adieu...