2003-12-12
Tired...in every way imaginable...

listening to: My sisters talking to each other and some music...Skillet to be exact...can you guess why?
reading:Just finished a round on the boards and read today's Friday five
thinking:About what I am gonna say today and what I am going to make myself NOT say...

Well let us start with the beginning of the day...My sinuses have been bothering me lately. I usually wake up in the morning with a clogged nose and congested head...you know, whole part and parcle...The symptoms usually wear off half an hour after I get up, but it just isn't a good start for one's day...Every morning man...I wake up feeling miserable...it is not enjoyable. Right now, I am still feeling poorly. In fact, my head feels a bit too warm...I think I am catching a cold...I don't want to get a cold though...*cries*

I also happen to be feeling rather, "I don't care about anything I just want to wither and die NOW" mood which causes a lot of cynicality to eminate from me...These two mixed with my crummy physical condition, and a sleep deprivation (12pm-10am just is not cutting it...this morning I got up at 9:30am though) and I am a horrid mess...do not cross my path...What if jesse comes on tonight and we end up talking...I really need to and want to talk to him after our fight but with the emotional condition I am in how is it gonna turn out...I am just feeling way too crummy...

This morning my brother and one of my sisters were fighting over the only free computer...It was getting rather violent...my brother usually is...My sister was running up and tattling on my brother "He won't let me play" "It's my turn!" Blah blah blah...but I could see that it was terribly one sided...I needed to jut in my objective perspective (that sounds cool...) and tell my mom what was really going on...The result of my plea: Neither one was allowed to play on the computer...I did my work well...I went and reported this news and commanded my brother to get off the computer...he did with relatively little complaint but the look he shot me as he trotted up the stairs...whoa...Sheer malice...sheer evil...I was a tad taken aback but I was feeling so cynical that I simply shrugged it off and went on with my life happy as could be...But the two of them continued to give me malice filled looks and jerked around mechanically to publicize the fact that they were giving me the cold shoulder...I simply smirked with content and amusement at their ridiculous treatment of me...Not the way to handle the situation but oh well...

Earlier today, when I was having a snack of left over cole slaw from KFC, the school bus dropped some kids off...I always see it make it's routes and I always make it a point to stand outside on the deck or press up against the sliding glass door and watch it go by...Somewhat juvenille of me I suppose but it is fun and a tad humourous...None of the kids notice me though...A little later one of the kids came walking by the canal behind our house...I stood at the sliding glass door and watched him but he never noticed me...One of these days I think I am going to sit outside and read and wait for him to walk by...then i will unleash our dog and she will run out straight for him and I will run after her and fetch her and apologize profusely and all that...she is just a little tiny Maltese and she doesn't bite...she is just loud and friendly...Why do I want to do this? I didn't get a good look at the guy so I don't know his age...I would estimate that he was about 13 or 14, and I didn't get a good enough look to decide if he was good looking or not but those aren't my motives...I am just so lonely...I want a friend...I wanted to have a "chance" meeting and just...yeah...I don't know...I am terribly desperate at this point...I think the plans I laid out there are enough to show everyone how desperate I am... Oh well...

For now I think that is all I care to say...I am a sap and am crying at the Skillet song I am listening to...Imperfection...yeah...and I am now terribly irritated and irritable right now...because I am...and now I am going to cry harder at this song because I identify with it too closely...And I am just a sap...Friday Five then I am out...

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays?
Sure...for Christmas, I will let it go...I really don't like snow all that much but I guess I can bear it at Christmas...

2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect?
I don't feel like answering these...Ideal? I don't know...I am just too jaded with the commercialization of this holiday season...

3. Do you do have any holiday traditions?
Yeah...We decorate the Christmas Tree together...open one Christmas present on Christmas Eve...um...I can't think of too many right now...

4. Do you do anything to help the needy?
No...sorry...I would like to but I can't...

5. What one gift would you like for yourself?
A friend...not just an online friend...

I have to go fix dinner now...and I mean NOW...so no quote...I can't think of one...

Oh yes, someone needs to monitor everything I say from now on...I keep opening my mouth and sticking my foot in it...It is terribly embarrasing...Maybe I am not...but that is what it seems to me that I keep doing...

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