Music: None
Yes, I finally return to my regular format of writing...did you have enough of my somewhat haphazard, dramatic, numerous entries? Well I hope not because I fear that I may have another round of them...unsure when, but I predict it will happen again soon...
My father had to leave again today...will be gone until Friday...as much as I hate to have him gone, I do really like being able to eat everyday, and having a warm, comfortable house to live in...not to mention all my books...if he did not work, we would not have them...he always has breaks...it is not as if he is never home...and I can look forward to whatever sort of break he has around Christmas...
What else...I may look forward to vaccuming tomorrow...(can hardly spell the word...) fun fun fun...my sister complains the stairs need vaccuming... >_< worst part...oh well...
Today I read, downloaded a new paint program, read, ate, took a nap, shuffled around, braved the snow to get the mail (what a task to look forward to everyday...), talked with some people, did some housework...nothing terribly exciting, special or out of the ordinary...I enjoy Nicholas Nickleby...figured I would...I could hardly call myself a fan of 19th century European literature if I hadn't read Dickens...
I continue depressed, worried and unhappy...at least I was able to bring myself into a functioning state and I am able to eat, sleep, and hold a decent conversation...there is still that horrible guilt and worry gnawing away at my heart...it is freshened by so much...when I hear a song from Skillet such as the one sent me the other day before our fight, my email inbox, msn games...the list goes on...it torments me...I do realize that with the way this haunts me and the feelings I am having and the way I go on, one might think I have a romantic obsession for lilmac which is why I go on and on and on and on...banish the thought...this is the same way I reacted during many fights with friends back in middle school before I moved...I didn't have many fights, but when they did occur...what a heartbreaking experience...I simply do not handle fights well...I am an extremely forgiving person...for example, I am still friends with the first boy to break my heart...and good friends at that...kind of odd I suppose but it is part of my nature...So I am tormented...to live with an unreconciled fight is a heavy burden...very heavy indeed... I am anxious to have all over but in his last message he told me it would be the last for a while...what could a while mean? My head spins at the thought...could a while simply mean a week...I know he is not supposed to be on during the school week...I could handle no answer until Friday or Saturday or even Sunday...but then again, what if a while means not until school goes on winter break...that would be so much harder to bear but I could...what if it means not until after the holidays???????? I could scarcely make it that long...that scenario is the one I fear most, and the one I am most inclined to believe...because of my pessimism...yes... I cannot get over my worst case scenario thinking...I know I shall live if I must wait that long but the torture I will have to endure...emotional and mental...I can hardly take it...this whole thing likes to then spin down to...And It's All Your Fault... *looks down at feet* (meaning mine...i am thinking in the third person...) it is...I went back and read that conversation and it was so petty and so light...I was scarcely angry at all yet I was in such a mood that I was easily able to let a little something get on my nerves, which gave me excuse enough to blow the whole thing way out of proportion. I let my emotions get the best of me...I let them carry me away... I sarcastically thanked him for putting me in a bitter and cynical mood...why did I blame my mood and behavior on him? It wasn't his fault! I was already somewhat poorly...no, his behavior did not help the situation get any better, but he did not cause it! And he apologized! And of all things for me to say... Unacceptable!!!! Good night?!?!?! (without the punctuation marks in the original conversationg) Why??? Why!!!!?!?!?! What spirit of a devil was inhabiting me for me to say such a thing?!?!?!?! I then had to leave for the store...right that very second with hardly a moment to spare...I do not exaggerate...so I had not the time to go back and fix things... the night is one of my most haunting...it plays back...and again and again and again...so ashamed of my behavior...
I am sick of going on about this...it is not as if any wish to read of it...but it is the sole occupant of my thoughts...little else can cloud it out...it hardly leaves me when I am absorbed in Nicholas Nickleby...so what else can I do but speak of it...you may be in for this for another month dearies, so you had better get used to hearing about it...
I am still considering a new layout...have found a few but my newly acquired UnkyMoods may not fit well into some of them...such as the design from Pokytemps "Not all who wander are lost" layout I found...simple but I love it to death...I could easily alter it to accomodate all my links...but the unkymoods would stick out like a sore thumb...but I love unky moods...I far prefer it to imoods...far prefer it...
But I can always find a different layout...there are some others with more space...yes...just have to contemplate...ha...I will choose eventually...any input is valued...but I will be changing my layout again just cause I am hoping for something non celebrity...
Well today's quote comes from the Bible...take it as you wish...I will probably be misunderstood and misinterpreted but that's ok...
25 "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. 26But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:25&26 NKJV
Under A Lavender Moon,
Megan