2003-11-24
Killing me softly and gently

Mood: Worried and depressed

Music:None at the moment...but tonight has encompassed some Squad Five-0, some Gotee label artists, Skillet, and Saves The Day

I am really not too well right now...I almost didn't say depressed but I decided there was nothing wrong with saying that...just as long as people don't take it as me being suicidal or anything.

I have been thinking about the future and a lot of stuff...I also have some other things on my mind...and for now, I just feel like crying softly...I thought I had resolved all the turmoil inside...I thought this particular problem was dealt with...but apparently not. I have handled this before, so why can't I now? Why is this troubling me so? Why does my heart feel broken in two? Why do I feel so sad and despondent? I have no answers...no answers...I just know the aching feeling I am feeling inside...I just know the problems...not the solution...it is much softer and quieter now at least. The feeling does not rip and tear and pull apart at my insides. It only cries...cries despondently...bittersweetly...a far more wholesome feeling at least...I welcome it...yet I don't...I don't want to be feeling this way, yet I am...It tugs and pulls and gnaws so quietly...so gently...as though it would lull me to death...not suicide...not physical death...not spirtual death...just a temporary emotional death...I don't want anyone worrying about me when they shouldn't be...there is little to worry about...or at least, that is what I would have you believe...

I try to delve deeper and further into some people...I am tired of empty, plastic shells all around...They are just masks...masks to protect themselves...I don't want to hurt...I want to help, I want to understand, I want to empathize and sympathize...I want substance...I want more from these people...I know there is more to them...I know there is more in them...why do you feel you need to hide? It is no use to hide... You can only hide from me in the end...you cannot hide from God...only run...

Damn society and all their hollow masks of happiness...

And I suppose that is all...I need to go an be by myself...to think and pray...to cry...to wonder...to question...to be...

Therefore I hated life because the work that was done under the sun was distressing to me, for all is vanity and grasping for the wind. Ecclesiastes 2:17

Amen...amen...Ecclesiastes is my comforting chapter in the Bible when I feel this way...tis hard to explain...I should go read it...

Under a Lavender Moon,

Miss Megan

before & & after