2003-11-09
I am a clam...that's what I am...

Mood: Thoughtful, a tad worried

Music: Anywhere With You-Saves The Day

My parents came back today. They left last Saturday to drive out to a funeral. By the end of the week, when it was time to come home, we barely had enough money for them to come home. Then yesterday afternoon, my dad's check came just in time and the money got in the bank. Yet, my parents still stayed up last night to drive all the way back home. Both are in bed sleeping now.

When my mother came home, and I came to greet her, she hugged me...very long and she really squeezed and it was all she could do not to sob. She was really not in very good condition. I am hoping and praying the only reasons she was so distraught were the funeral, fatigue, and coming home. I just get a little worried sometimes...maybe there is more than that...I hope not...I surely hope not...

Something odd, yet expectable and predictable happened when my mother began to cry in my arms. I went into emotional shutdown. My heart iced over and haughty, prideful emotions overwhelmed me as she cried in my arms. I do this...whenever she shows strong emotion...negative or positive...I withdraw...my emotions close up...I don't do this with everyone...only my family...when I am with a friend, or even a stranger, I can open up and share the strong emotions...I can sympathize...but with my family I am always resistant...I believe it has to do with putting up a front and a mask. Upholding a reputation as being happy, perky, shallow, and well adjusted. Why? I don't know...I want everyone in the world but my family to see who I really am...Why can I proudly show the entire world who I am yet not my family? Why? Why is it only around my family that I am ashamed of who I am? I can even be my full self around God and be comfortable with it...but not my family...

I had a whole morality spiel plotted out about flirtatiousness and all but I can't seem to concentrate...I start to write about it but my thoughts begin to slip away from me until I see what I write from another's point of view. I feel as though I am reading what someone else is writing as they write it. Due to this, I can't keep a handle on my thoughts and what I write doesn't seem right...You will have to wait for another day for that spiel...A day when I can focus...it's giving me a headache...

I had a lot to say...I can't think of it anymore though...I can't get a handle on my brain...I can't think...More later perhaps...I need to let my brain wander around a bit...

Quote for the day

"To be great, is to be misunderstood." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Under a Lavender Moon,

Miss Megan

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