Music: Kendall Payne, Jordan's Sister
Well, here I am again, and a lot later than usual...but that's ok. Sometimes I like to sleep in until 10:30.
The weather continues overcast. It is so overwhelmingly beautiful. The weather makes me feel as though I have transcended the ordinary normalcy of our neighborhood into something bigger. Something far more real. I feel a lot closer to God outside on a cold, overcast day. I forget all the stifling, packed in homes, all the concrete, all the stop lights and traffic...its just God, and me, and the weather. At least the beauty of the weather makes up for the lack of it everywhere else...
In a few years we will probably be moving on a big piece of property, but all the property in the places we look at, are flat spaces of grass. I hate that...so flat...unbroken...I hate it...at least there would be mountains close enough on the horizon to see. When I can't see mountains, I don't feel so secure...I miss where we used to live...up in the midst of the gorgeous mountains...forest surrounding us...yes, I lived, literally, in the middle of a forest...no housing developments and overmuch traffic and streets...just a couple little houses on a big piece of property with trees all around...I loved to go aimlessly wandering through those woods...just being with God and His wonderful creation...perhaps feeling a slight wind stir my hair and bite my face...inhaling the smell of pine and fresh, clean air...joy and peace are embodied on a cool day in a forest...especially at night under a clear velvet blue sky. With the light of stars transcending time and space to reach through our atmosphere to my eye... it would always feel so much bigger and so much more real than anything I ever knew or felt. No one mattered...nothing mattered...except for God...He mattered and only Him...He had created it all...this was His creation and He had created me to be with Him...and that was all...and it was good...
I miss those days...I miss those nights...the crystal clear cold lake... now it is only civilization...houses packed too close to stifle and kill the beauty...uniform patches of grass in front and in back, traffic lights and speeding cars..people too busy to care any more about anything but themselves...
Lately I have just been thinking a lot... about everything...about the rich widow with her fatherless children...spirtually bankrupt...it is too late to do much grieving for the father and husband whom I knew very little...better to be concerned with the living and what I can do for them now...pray...and pray hard...
I have run myself to extremes in some aspects of my life. Oh that I had not. I have one good extreme, extreme devotion to God...(inspiration there from Screwtape Letters). But the rest...I run myself to the end of a cliff and almost fall off it...No, I am not depressed again. Simply thoughtful. A tad worried about the way I approach some things. Concerned with how I shall fix it...I have no answers yet...how can I fix the bad extreme I have run to, when one's parents encourage it? Embrace it even! That will be my job...to fix and to explain...
Ocean waters come to drown out my despair...I really don't know where that came from, but I felt like saying it...rather lovely I think...
Well, I suppose I have few words of worth yet to say. My mind is not really focusing on anything tangible or of this world. It flits around like a butterfly landing on supernatural flowers for the amount of time it takes for the dew to drop off them...then it will continue on its way...I wax poetic...can anyone even understand me anymore? I shall go now...go and be...just be...with God...perhaps be and think...yes...plenty of thinking...perhaps outside in the biting cold and frost...
"Beauty, of whatever kind, invariably excites the human soul to tears." -Edgar Allen Poe
So let my soul cry its neverending tears...
Under A Lavender Moon,
Miss Megan