Music: Relient K, Two Lefts Don't Make A Right, But Three Do. "Please stop wearin those silly shoes!" *lolololol*
Well here I am again. So soon...if you didn't read my previous entry, you may want to, *coughjessecough*. Ok? Ok.
I have been thinking about my layout. My entries have been so long that it might be better if I got a template that has more room for displaying text...And I was also thinking whether this was relevant any more. "When Will These Tears Stop Falling?" I haven't been crying outwardly, but inwardly. My soul was crying tears of despair and heartache but they have stopped...I have dried them...but then I thought again. That phrase doesn't have to be negative. I think now, it pertains to the tears of overwhelming joy and peace my soul cries. Good tears. So I may ask the rhetorcial question again, "When Will These Tears Stop Falling?" This time I shall answer it, "Hopefully, never." Such a beautiful meaning I have attached now...I hate to change my layout...
Today, I managed to get dressed without thought of how fashionable my clothing was. To this moment, it bothers me because I may be presentable and my hair is fixed neatly, but I am just so plain...so...I knew this was gonna be tough. But with God's help I can do this! And I managed to only put on foundation today...it was so hard not to put on at least blush and mascara also...so hard...but I managed not to...even now, I could go fix myself up if I wanted...but I won't...I won't let myself...I pray God gives me the strength to overcome this attachment to material things and outward appearance. I will probably wear makeup again someday...but I may end up making myself go without for a very long time...this is so hard...pray for me...that I can let all this go...it means so little... just clothes...just a temporary artificial outward beauty... so shallow...
Let's see...what else...I know! I made an entry in my offline journal last night and read it through again. I found a passage I wrote one night I would like to share and discuss here. Now and then I will do that. Treat everyone with a bit from my notebook. Just as I will sometimes treat my notebook with a printed out entry from this journal now and then...wish my printer was working...so here is the passage, exactly as I wrote it,
"I am only a small girl full of wide eyed wonder standing at the brink of my door looking at the whole world spread before me, ready to venture out and try my wings as the wind tugs and beckons whilst I cling to the doorpost with my eyes closed, imagining that i have alreadt left and doing quite well. Pshaw! What rose coloured delusions I entertain. I would like to kill my pride, open my eyes, let go of the doorpost and begin my journey. I am not quite ready for flight, but soon. What a nice way to think of things...hopefully it accurately reflects my current state of affairs."
Lovely isn't it...Now please don't take this at face value. This is not a relation to getting out on my own in the world and being independent. That passage was about my spirtual state... how I imagine myself to be such a wonderful person and so Christ like and what not while traipsing around yelling at my sibs, being jealous and greedy and selfish, over self examining, hypocrisy to the extreme and all sorts of other faults. I realize what is wrong with the way I think and imagine and focus too much on myself. The passage refers to my longing to shift my focus from my inward state to my outward. I hope I may begin to succeed. The allegory there was...errr...interesting... I analyze situations and inward and outward affairs and all such by metaphors and allegories...like the beverage/fridge thing to world religions,the woman in the well to our imprisonment of sin, blah blah blah...I just have an easier time explaining and relating and understanding things when I sort them out into a metaphor...
Next, I am going to move my quote of the day up some so I can do a little discussion of it...so here it is...
"Give me, O Lord, a steadfast heart,
which no unworthy affection may drag downwards;
give me an unconquered heart,
which no tribulation may wear out;
give me an upright heart,
which no unworthy purpose may tempt aside."
Thomas Aquinas
I have a poster on my wall with this passage on it. It is very inspiring and every time I choose to really read it, I try to read in it in earnest, as a prayer to God. Not regularly or terribly often, just every now and then, because I do wish to have a heart like that...may God give me one...
Last of all, before I go, I want to say, that when I write, I do not try in the least to uplift myself, my talents or anything of myself. I fear that sometimes it may sound that way. I write what the Lord puts on my heart, and I write as openly as i am willing to online. I think the reminder needs to stand, that being humble is not about thinking poorly of oneself. It just means knowing your strengths, your weaknesses, your worth, and where it all comes from, God, mixed with an understanding that everyone else also has strength, weaknesses, and worth that all comes from God. I write to express myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my struggles, and to uplift God and show all that He has done for me... And that is all...anything that comes of what I write is beyond me... nothing special intended...
Before I go back and reread this and delete half of it...I have that horrible habit, 80% of what I don't say, needs to be said...hopefully I have said at least 75% of it here, today...I worry too much about what other people think...I am going to shut up now.
Out Like A Light
*Brr...ZAP*
Miss Megan